The Cracks

I’ve had the feeling again. It’s the worst feeling I can imagine; it is one I would not wish on anyone – the feeling of my heart breaking. It’s nothing more than the feeling that something is not going to end up the way you hoped it would. It could be finding out the person you were hoping shared the same feelings as you doesn’t; losing someone you hold dear; or something as simple as realizing things just didn’t go as you planned.

I can feel a small crack. It hurts, and to be honest, I don’t really know what I should do about it.

Now, these are the days that I am reminded of the much bigger break in my heart, the one that will always be there and can never be fixed. If that break wasn’t there, my mom could tell me how to fix this crack, but I have to be independent and strong and figure out this crack on my own. I’ve found this isn’t always easy.

Throughout my life, I’ve kind of taken on the role of care-giver. I tend to think that I need to take care of myself and figure things out on my own. I have a really hard time reaching out when these cracks start to form. I wish this was not true about me, but it is (I think this was an inherited trait). Lately, I can feel a couple of cracks, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to say anything. I think things would just be a heck of a lot easier if I did. I think I would be much happier if I did. I just don’t know how.

Now, here is where the issue becomes an issue: how do you reteach a 20-something woman how to ask for help and express her feelings more? How do you teach her how to do more for herself when she spends most of her free time doing for others? What’s the right way to tell others you can’t do it all anymore? I cannot seem to find the answers to these questions, but instead, find myself saying yes to doing more for others.

After several years of turmoil, several years of doubt, and several years of uncertainty, I’m starting to find more of my answers within myself and my faith. Some days it is hard to think about the “good plan” there is from all of this, but more and more each day, I do think there is a “Good Plan” and I just have to trust in this; trust in Him. My mother always told me, “We don’t get anything that we can’t handle.” As much as I don’t really want to, I have started to feel that this is true. I need to go through these things and feel these cracks in order for the plan for me to work out.

In the meantime, I’ve starting working on a couple of things just for me: things that are exciting to me and things that make me happy. I’ve starting working on remembering that even though I may be experiencing these cracks, there are people out there right now that are experiencing breaks. I need to be thankful for all that I have in life, and remember:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

~Isaiah 41:10

The Great Realization

Throughout the past several weeks, I have found myself thinking – a lot. I have found myself wondering where the happiness had gone; how I had lost the fight; and where had my spunk gone again? I know that this is a rough time of year. It has been for two years – but it just seems like this year is a little worse for me…and all involved. I try to be there as much as possible, but find myself sad, disappointed, and even angry at times.

The Great Realization

After speaking with a good friend today, I realized something. I’ve put my life on hold. I’ve stopped doing some of the things that I love, and that just is not cool. Then I thought about something that I hadn’t thought about in two years – my bucket list: the great list of all of the things that I want to be able to enjoy and do in my lifetime. I’m quite sure that my bucket list isn’t anything near as spectacular as it should be – but I am a pretty simple woman. Simple things make me the happiest. Simple things like: taking the day to go for a drive to find an old-fashioned ice cream shop to be able to smell fresh waffle cones being made; spending the day down town Minneapolis with my camera in hand and picnic basket to sit on a bus stop bench to eat lunch and watch people go along on their days; or even just packing a blanket and finding that perfect spot to lay up and watch the sky roll by in all of its magnificence. This is part of my bucket list – my forgotten bucket list.

So, if my bucket list is so simple, why have I forgotten about it, you may ask? Let me tell you my theory.

The Theory: I have just gotten too gosh darn caught up in the negative parts of each day.

That is a sad realization. I should know better – I should know that someone somewhere is going through something much harder than I. Although life isn’t the same for me anymore (nor will it ever be), I am still pretty darn lucky – luckier than most. I need to remember this. So what am I going to do about this? I decided to embark on a Great Journey – The Great Happiness Journey. My goal, I think it’s a good one, is to find something happy, something positive about each day and pass this happiness on to someone else. I know that there have been several times that someone has said or done something that has had a tremendous impact on me. I want to give it a try. Even if it doesn’t change someone’s life, I think it will make my life just a little happier and a little less negative.

One of the things that I have also started to do to try and find some of the happiness that seems to be hiding is turning back to my faith and finding answers there. Today, I thought I would share this with you:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

I need to take charge of my own happiness. I need to ask for it, seek it, and find it…

Making it Work

There are so many obstacles in life. Throughout the last 28 years, I have thought about all of the obstacles that I have faced. They are nothing compared to what so many in this world face. I was reminded of this, thinking about the life of a great woman – my aunt, Jill Bergquist.

28 years ago, the same year I was born, my aunt faced a huge obstacle. She overcame it. She survived, she flourished, and smiled. She reminded me every day for the last 28 years what it is like to be a fighter; to love life; to never give up. Even though life was not easy, she kept going. She never stopped smiling. She inspired me. She will keep inspiring me every day of my life.

Today, as the frustration set in and I felt the issues building, I was ready to say forget it; I’m done. Just as this frustration seemed to be peaking, I received a reminder about life that put things back into perspective. I thought about my aunt and all of the times in my childhood I could remember her saying she had a headache, only to smile and laugh and continue to play with me. I remember her walking with her cane, but being able to work through it all and do it all herself. I remember that all is possible. Life is possible as long as we are willing to make it work. I’m going to make it work.

On Tuesday, August 9^th, 2011 God called home a beautiful angel. There to meet her was another beautiful angel. Missing them both every day.

The Most Unorganized Blog Ever...

Silence. After another crazy day in my shoes, there is finally silence. I can finally hear by own heartbeat, I can hear the quiet hum of the cars flying by on the freeway just a little ways away, I can hear the distant laughter of someone walking along the parkway, I can find my center again. Silence. Ahhh. So nice….

It’s amazing the little things one can pick up on after a “loud,” busy day ends. I live smack in the middle of the concrete jungle…I don’t know how this is possible, but I can hear crickets chirping outside. What? I know, that's just plain crazy. Right? But they are there; I can hear them. I can hear the leaves rustling in the wind. How is it possible to hear such a quiet thing when there are cars driving 80 miles an hour down the freeway just feet away? How is it that these little sounds can find their way into my silence? I shouldn’t be able to hear them, but I can.  These little hidden treasures bring back such beautiful memories of childhood. As much as I’ve said I disliked living where I did – being so far away from a shopping mall – these little things that were such a huge part of my being are so irreplaceable and just so beautiful. Growing up where I did, I never had to have a “loud” day to be able to hear these things – they were just always there. You could always hear them. A beautiful, quiet soundtrack to life; there were no loud days. There was nothing blocking the beautiful silence from finding its way to me.

Sometimes I wonder why I am where I am. Some days I love the hustle and bustle. Some days I miss the smell of fresh cut hay swirling around me in the breeze and wish I was anywhere but here, but I am a firm believer in the fact that I am where I am because that’s where I am supposed to be. God wouldn’t put me somewhere that I wasn’t supposed to be. Would He? Sometimes I miss that quiet soundtrack to life and question what I am doing, where I am going. I realize that no one really knows 100% what their purpose in life is. I don’t think, anyways, but it’s just been a lot harder for me the past year to be confident in what I am doing. There’s been too much tragedy, too many close calls, too many heartbreaks. I’m not as quick to put it all out there and “let it roll” as I was before – as I want to do again. To be honest, I’m afraid if I do this I will miss out on things. I feel like I have already missed out on things. Things I can never get back; things I wish I could get back.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for going out and pursuing the beautiful things in life instead of going home every weekend to spend time with my mom, with my grandparents. I feel guilty for enjoying that day when mom was undergoing her test. I feel guilty for being so selfish and not wanting to accept the truth that I didn’t do what I should have done or said what I should have said. I feel really guilty.

Guilt is such an ugly emotion. It makes me feel dark and cold. I don’t like that. I like to feel bright and sunny. Why do I feel so damn guilty? I should trust in the fact that my mom is where she is supposed to be. God has made sure she is in the right place, even if I can’t understand that the right place isn’t here. I need to let the ugliness go, accept this reality, and find the beauty – let the silence back into my life. I know it’s what my mom would tell me to do.

Quite an Amazing Hello

“It takes just a couple of seconds to say hello, but forever to say goodbye” ~ Unknown

I met someone today. She was very extremely upbeat, nice, and in some way reminded me a lot of my mom. It was a random encounter, one that I didn’t see coming. We chatted for a few minutes and she reminded me of something really important. Something I think I may have momentarily forgot; something I am extremely thankful I was reminded of. The chances that I will ever see this person again are very rare, but this chance encounter will be a part of my journey; a part of who I am for the rest of my life.

When I got home today, I randomly came across this quote. Isn’t it true? Just like this woman I ran into today, so many people come into our lives each and every day. How easy is it to say hello, and welcome someone into our lives in one way or another. Perhaps the hello is to a new friend; someone who will be in your life for a very long time. Perhaps it will just be a brief encounter that will have lasting effects in your life. Maybe it’s neither. Maybe it is a passing hello that will have no effect on you, but will have effects that last forever on the other person.

No matter which way it works out, we say hello to so many people in our lifetime, and it is so easy. It’s easy to welcome new people into our lives. How hard is it, though, to say goodbye? Even when we know the time is right? Even when it’s been a year? Or two? Or ten? Can you ever really say goodbye? I am beginning to question this.

Throughout the last year, I’ve tried on multiple occasions in multiple situations, to say goodbye. No matter what the situation was or with whom I am trying to say goodbye to, that impression – or the hello – is always there. It never goes away. Even when you know the goodbye is for the best, or inevitable, or needed. Maybe this is for the better? As much as we would like to say goodbye to some people or some situations, perhaps its better we not. Looking back, there are things that I have learned from each and every hello. Things have built my life, built who I am. Would I want to change that? I don’t think so. As many mistakes and bad decisions I’ve made in my life – as many regrets that I have – I don’t think I would want to go back and erase those hellos.

The simple words of this woman today made quite an impression on my life, and perhaps this woman will never even know this. I think it is important to remember how important all of the hellos in our life are, and to take the time to slow down and welcome them. I could have been in a hurry and rushed right by. I’m glad I took the moment I did to slow down. I’m glad for the hello I received today.

A Pot of Coffee and A Good Morning Song

My heart felt dark today; dark and empty. I don’t like days like this. In fact, I don’t really like weeks like this. The week started out with a little gray spot hiding at the bottom of my heart and now has turned into darkness more than I am able to describe. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. What would I do? Have another day to add to the list of B.S. I am fed up with? I don’t wanna. There I said it. I don’t wanna. I am letting the inner child find its way out.

I remember when I used to do that to my mom. For those of you who don’t know me well, I am NOT a morning person. I repeat: I am NOT a morning person. Growing up, I never had an alarm clock. That was a very odd adjustment I had to make when I moved out on my own when I was 18: setting an alarm clock to wake myself up. Anyways, my mom would come downstairs every morning and sing (or, try to sing, maybe?): “Good morning, good morning, good morning, it’s time to rise and shine. Good morning, good morning, good morning, I hope you’re feeling fine.” As much as I hated getting up so early each day, there was just something about my mom’s smiling voice, singing me awake. I always got up; even through the “Darlene Phase”.

I did the same thing for myself today. I got myself up. I thought about my mom and her little “song” and I got myself up. The day seemed to be filled with issue after issue after issue, and problem after problem. Disappointment regarding a realization that I have been trying to avoid for so long crept into my heart as I finally came to terms with it. It could have been a day that I could have said: “I’m done. I am out of here. I can’t take this anymore” But I didn’t.

Of all of my memories of my mom, I don’t know if I have any of her being disappointed to the point I am. I don’t know that I have any memories of any days that mom just wouldn’t get out of bed. She was always up, making a pot of coffee, and singing us awake. I know my mom had many more reasons to be disappointed or frustrated about things that I do. She had a crazy job. I don’t know how she did it. But she did. And she did it each day with a smile on her face and a song in her voice. She was an amazing person.

This memory gave me hope. I went to sing karaoke. Singing is something I love to do. It always makes me feel better. Whether its karaoke, singing in the shower, or “yell-singing” in my car. It always reconnects myself to what I am missing. Today, I was missing the ability to find hope in my day; like my mom always would. And I found it.

I caught myself putting my mixed CD in the CD player of my car and automatically turning it to number 8 “She’s a Rainbow” by the Rolling Stones. I didn’t even know this song 14 months ago. It did not become a part of my iPod’s play list until my dad picked it to play at my mom’s memorial. Now, for me,  it’s everything about my mom put into a three minute song. It’s a three minute way to reconnect to my roots and find my mom’s smiling singing voice that I remember so vividly; it’s my three minute way to remember that there is happiness and hope when it feels like there isn’t. So, from somewhere up there, my mom is smiling down, singing me awake, and for that I am always thankful.

“Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.”

~ Unknown

86,400 Seconds

I watched a musical today. It was actually a pretty good movie. For some reason, it made me think of the movie, “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.” The title alone is intriguing. The story line, reminds me of my life in the months past. The main character is struggling to journey home, accompanied by, at times, less than desirable company. This reminds me of my life: struggling to find home, who I am, and where I belong, accompanied by some less than desirable company from time to time. Today makes me feel like my journey home is going to be even more of a struggle than I have ever anticipated.

I live in a location that experiences a high volume of plane, railway, and automobile traffic. Do you ever wonder, while watching an airplane overhead, who is on the plane? Or think about where they are going? What is being transported on that train driving by, blowing it’s whistles at really annoying times of the day? Who is in the sleek silver BMW driving down the freeway with the windows down singing along to the music? The past month I have had more and more of an itch to just get in my car and drive. Go somewhere warmer. Go somewhere brighter. Go somewhere with less reminders. Go somewhere with different people. Drive and drive and drive. Just go.

This itch is driven by the realization that there are so many people in this world that appear to live their lives only for themselves. They are unable to see beyond their own rose colored glasses. They are unwilling to take a moment out of their day to say thank you or ask if someone needs help. This makes me sad. Recently, I participated in a training session. After 3 and a half hours of this training, I was pretty much zoned out, until the presenter at the moment made a very interesting point. He stated that our generation (yes, I’m talking about my generation) is less caring, less giving then generations of the past. The focus of our lives now is finding the job that will make us the most money, driving that fancy shiny car down the road, traveling in that airplane to an exotic beach location somewhere. The focus has been taken off of the important things. I agree with this observation the trainer had communicated. I’m not big into politics. It seems like no matter who the players are, the story is always the same. Recently, there have been large cuts in areas that I find very important: Care of People. Cuts have been made in areas of caring for individuals with disabilities, individuals with several medical conditions, research into important health programs, education programs. This further shows what the focus of our lives are today.

Obviously, I am not part of the “stereotyped generation” that this presenter was talking about, because I have to work a ton of hours in a low paying social services job in order to make my ends meet. I would give up an opportunity to have a night off with friends to attend a client’s birthday celebration, or to go home and help my family take care of paperwork. I have lived my life trying to give to and help others. Today, my buttons were pushed and I may understand why more and more people have opted to take the “I’m looking for the money” route. As much as I give to so many people, it’s not appreciated. It’s taken for granted. The thank you’s are far and few in between. I’m Steve Martin with the less than desirable company. I don’t like it. I want to have fun, exciting company like Adam Sandler or P!nk. Or Jason Aldean (he’s dreamy)….

So, what do I do? Am I going to drive away from my problems? No I am not. I had an amazing mother who taught me differently. She taught me that it is more important to do something you enjoy and something that may make a difference someday than to have money or other material items. She always said, “You can’t take money with you when you die.” She was right (of course, she always was). You can’t. She taught me to be me, and I enjoy helping others. I am the caregiver type of person. Days like today are just tough. It would just be nice to hear a thank you, or to have someone offer to help. So, I will continue to live life differently than the norm and give. I will make sure to say thank you more and offer my help whenever I can to try and keep more people from joining the “dark side”. I encourage everyone else to do the same. A simple thank you or “great job” can really go far in our world today. It can really make someone’s day. Don’t take our life style for granted. Don’t take life for granted: live it, and live it well. That’s the most important thing in the end.

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say ‘thank you?’”

~ Unknown