A Chapter From Dad's Little Book of Instructions...

“Life doesn't come with an instruction book; that's why we have fathers.”
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Last night, I was able to prove this is true. I didn’t have an instruction book for what I was going through, so I talked to my dad. And he knew exactly what to say. I have been having a really hard time dealing with some of the upcoming milestones. These milestones that I normally celebrate and enjoy are causing great levels of anxiety and stress.

My mom’s birthday is Friday. I’m going to miss her more than I do on a normal day that day. I’m going to miss the cake and teasing about her “being over the hill” like we’ve done every other year for the past several years. I remember when she turned 40. We got her chocolate cupcakes with black frosting. We all thought it was hilarious until the frosting turned out mouths black and we weren’t able to get rid of it for the rest of the day. Mom sure had the last laugh there. I remember all of the other years when mom would do what we all wanted to do for her birthday. It wasn’t about her or what she wanted, it was about us all being together and having a good time together. That was her. Finding the humor in everything and unselfishly loving us all.

February is a month full of milestones – old and new alike.  In February is my birthday. It was a day I always looked forward to, a day my mom always made special. With a surprise birthday cake that I always loved, going out to dinner with the entire family, and just spending time together enjoying it all. It was always a month I look forward to. However, last year, February offered many new milestones – ones that I wish I did not need to have. Milestones I wish I was not reminded of.

February 8, 2010: I called home to talk to my mom. The house phone was busy. I called my sisters phone. She said, “Have you talked to dad yet?” I asked her why. She wouldn’t answer. She told me to call dad’s cell phone. I could hear in her voice there was something wrong. I called dad’s cell phone. He told me that Mom had her annual appointment, and they got some bad news. Mom might have cancer.

February 11, 2010: My birthday. Mom had an appointment to have some more tests done. She was going to have a liver biopsy. This was one of my first birthdays in a long time I didn’t spend at home with my family. I asked mom if she wanted me to be there with her while she had her test. She said no, go out and have fun. I didn’t go home. I kind of regret it now. I was I had gone home. We talked after she had her test. She was so out of it, she forgot to say “Happy Birthday”. I was worried more at this point than I had been before. We went home the next day and we all went out to dinner. Mom got sick after dinner. My worry doubled.

February 17, 2010: I went with mom and dad to mom’s oncology appointment in St. Cloud. I was in an overwhelming state of anxiety. The day seemed to start out poorly, and I almost didn’t go. I’m so glad that I went. Mom saw the oncologist and we found out mom had cancer. Terminal cancer. Mom was given a technical diagnosis of Stage IV Ovarian Cancer which had metastasized to her liver. The doctor could not give us any information about how long mom had, or what the chances are that the proposed treatment would help. All I heard was “There is a lot of disease” and “eventually this disease will kill you.” He discussed his plan for treatment, which consisted of admitting mom to the hospital and giving her an aggressive dose of chemo therapy.

February 18, 2010: Mom had her first round of chemo therapy. I stayed with mom in the hospital all day that day. We talked about so many things, things that I hold dear to my heart now. Memories. They were going to keep mom overnight, but were hopeful that she would get to go home the next day. She handled the chemo well.

February 19, 2010: Mom got to go home! The doctor said that she had handled the chemo well, and he was optimistic that she would continue to respond to the treatments well. The anxiety levels were reduced some. I could breathe (kind of) again. Mom was excited too. She couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital. She vocalized that several time.

February 23, 2010: Mom went back to the hospital. I met mom and dad there. They were going to admit mom again. She was extremely dehydrated. Her white count was at a rock bottom. The doctors remained optimistic. Her condition continued to deteriorate on a daily basis.

February 26, 2010: Mom passed away. This had to have been the hardest day of my life thus far. To hear someone say those two words “she’s gone”, like it didn’t mean anything. I honestly think I felt a part of my heart break away that day, and since then there has been a dull ache where the missing part used to be.

So, in a month that I used to enjoy are now filled full of milestones that I wish weren’t there. Full of milestones that when I think about them make me want to cry. Full of milestones that make me my miss my mom that much more than I do on any other day. It now makes this month full of milestones that I do not know how to handle.

The past couple of days, maybe weeks, I have felt a little more down than normal. I don’t want to do as much as I normally would. I would rather stay in, on my couch, watching TV than going out with friends like I usually find joy in doing. I find myself cuddled up in my bed in the middle of the afternoon more than I normally do. I cannot sleep at night. My mind thinks of these upcoming milestones and I don’t know what to do.

Last night a simple phone call from my dad helped it all. He called and asked what was going on. I explained to him some situations that were frustrating me. Then he said, “And what else?” like he knew there was more than what I was just telling him. So, I told him. I told him I was having a hard time thinking about the next couple of months because of all these new milestones in my life. He listened, and he gave me suggestions, and most importantly, he told me we were all having a hard time and we would all help each other through it. He gave me a chapter out of his instruction book. His comforting words helped.

Even though I am faced with a month of milestones that I am not looking forward to, I was reminded last night by my dad that there will always be friends and family there who care for me and who will be willing to help, and I can always count on my dad for advice from his book of instructions.

Between Me and God - Making the Best of Things

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

As I was searching the internet today to try and find something inspirational, I found this. They call it “The Final Analysis” and it is a Mother Theresa Prayer. I have always found her words to be very inspiring to me, but this prayer caught my attention and really spoke to me about so much happening in my life in the past several days, several months.

Forgiveness

Anger has been a big part of my life in the past 11 months. This is not how I usually live my life, but I felt I had so much to be angry about. I was angry that the doctors hadn’t caught my mother’s illness sooner. I was angry that the doctors couldn’t do more for her. I was angry that they “let her go”. I was angry that there were so many people in my life that claimed to be a “friend” and reminded me they would be there for me, weren’t. They told me I shouldn’t be grieving as I was. My mom wouldn’t want me to. I was angry that they were telling me how to grieve for such a large loss in my life. In the recent past, I have been lied to. Blatantly. It makes me angry to know that I am being lied to and being disrespected in such a manner.

In the recent past, I’ve had so much anger. I do not want to live my life filled with anger. I’ve decided I am going to forgive. I may not forget. I won’t let myself forget. This anger has taught me many lessons. I will listen to my body and be persistent when I feel something is not right. I will advocate for others when they feel something may not be right. I will fight to find a cure. I will forgive those who did not have the strength to be there for me when I lost all of my strength and be for them should the need arise. I will always make sure that I am a good friend and am there when needed. Above all, I will try and listen to those who have lied and understand why they thought such a large untruth was necessary. Perhaps there is room for growth for me personally. Perhaps there is something to learn about myself. I will forgive.

A Lesson in Kindness

                I’ve always tried to be kind to others. Kindness is something that can make someone’s day turn around with very little effort. Something that can seem so small and insignificant can truly make the difference in someone’s day, in someone’s life. I have tried in the past to help out when it is necessary and go above and beyond in other situations. It seems as though, in recent times most specifically, this may end up being an issue.

                Even though this is true, even though it may end up causing issues, I still need to be kind. I know that there have been days when someone has done something that seems so small and insignificant has really made such a huge positive effect. I do not want to take this out of my life. I want to continue “paying it forward” and giving those small random acts of kindness when I can, because I do not know when there will come a day that I need that small, seemingly insignificant act of kindness from someone else. I may not be getting the kindness from those involved in this situation right now, but there are so many others out there with kind hearts, and for that, I am extremely thankful.

Finding Enemies in Friends

                It seems as though it is very easy to find an enemy in someone you once considered a friend. No one wants to think this is true. I don’t want to think something like this is possible, but it is. It is very possible. These people who were once friends can actually turn into one of the most harmful enemies. They know you best. They know exactly what buttons to push to get the reaction. They know exactly how to go about doing what they are going to do to make you feel poorly about yourself. This is the situation I currently find myself in. I have spent time with these people having fun, doing fun things. I have accepted favors and offered favors in return from these people, as friends do. Now, the most painful thing has happened. They are using this intimate knowledge about me and my life to hurt me in the ways they know will hurt me most.

                I cannot see this as a failure. This has always happened, and I know that it will likely always continue. I cannot let this deter me from putting myself out there. I need to continue to be me and continue do what I need to do in order to live the life that I want to live. I cannot worry about the “frienemies” that will always be out there. There’s nothing that I can do about this. This is life. This is just what happens. It sure hurts like heck right now, but with time that hurt will go away and I will come out of this situation stronger than I was before.

To Lie or Not to Lie

                I have learned in life one of the most important things is honesty. Even the smallest little “white lie” can turn into something huge that can really hurt someone, or hurt many. I have learned to be honest with people. I have learned to open up when appropriate and share information with people that they need to know. So, what does one do when asked to lie? There are two answers: you lie or you tell the truth. In these past weeks filled with turmoil and upset, my belief in honesty was renewed. Someone was honest with me. Someone told me the truth even though it may have hurt me. That person will never fully understand how much this means to me. Each day when I wake up, the first thought that enters my head is frustration about all of the things that are going on. Then, I remember, that just because there is so much negativity and bad things, that there are still wonderful people in my life. I remember that there are people who will do things to help me and who will be there for me, even when it could have consequences for them. Like I said, this means more to me than I will ever be able to verbalize to this person. I hope someday I can repay this person for this honesty.

Continuing to Create

                It has become blatantly clear to me that things can change in a heartbeat. The world can change with no notice. This year has brought more heartache than I ever thought was possible. Things I have worked for 27 years to create have been reduced to nothing in just the blink of an eye, in simple words I never prepared myself to hear “She’s gone”. Throughout these past years, I’ve been so focused on creating; on working hard to create what I thought I needed to create. Then, when it was taken away, I lost my motivation. I didn’t want to create anymore. What was the use anyways? It seemed like this was a theme throughout my entire life. I worked hard to create a good relationship. It was reduced to nothing within seconds. With no emotion and simple words “I don’t think we should be together anymore.” I worked hard to create trusting relationships with people, only to find out that they were not what they appeared to be.

                It would be easy to give up and stop creating. I cannot do that. The world needs creative people. The world needs people to continuing creating. Besides, what is life without creativity? It’s not one that I want to live. Even though it is hard knowing that things that one has worked so hard for, for so long can crumble without warning it is worth it. The ride is worth it. The art one creates on the way IS worth it. I’m going to continue to create. Continue to live. Continue to be me.

Finding Happiness

                Happiness is challenging to find. When you think you’ve found it, it disappears. Sometimes it seems like it’s a paranormal thing. Something that you think exists but you cannot confirm. Just when you think you’ve found evidence it does it exist, you turn around for your camera to document it, and it’s gone. What is happiness, really? Why does it seem as though when one person seems to have found it, others cannot experience happiness for them? Or why does it seem as though people will take this time to try and create issues to remove the happiness? Is happiness something that is found, something that is created, or something that you have to work for? I cannot seem to find the answer to this.

                What I do know is that I have happiness in my life right now, if I let it be there. There are people in my life that make me feel happy: if I let the happiness overcome the frustration and the anger. It is easy to just let the anger take over. It has been easier and easier lately to let the happiness be present more than the anger and frustration. There are some pretty darn good people in my life that make this happiness easier and easier to find on a daily basis. It’s easier and easier to spend my days happy rather than caught up in negativity. I have resolved that even though others may true and knock me down, I will never stop laughing. I will never stop enjoying life. I will never stop seeking happy moments. If I am lucky, God will bless many with many happy moments and these happy moments will make the sad moments sting that much less.

Giving Without Receiving

These days it seems as though people are so focused on what we are getting, not what we are giving. Even I do it from time to time. Something made me stop and think about this the other day. I need to get back on track and start giving again. The past several years I have gotten off track. Throughout the years past, I have volunteered for many organizations and in many situations. In the past several years, I haven’t been as involved. I have been more in the “for me” phase. I have decided in the past couple of days I am going to get back involved again with volunteering more. There are so many places and causes that need assistance. I want to be a part of them. I want to give what I can. Someday, I may need someone’s assistance, and I hope that there are people who will be willing to give without receiving.

It’s Never Going to be Good Enough

                As you have probably gathered through the past several weeks, days, hours I have felt as though no matter how hard I try, it’s not going to be good enough. I have felt inadequate as a daughter. I did not see that my mom was terminally ill. I have felt inadequate as the recipient of love. I was not good enough for them. I did not do enough for them. I do not deserve to be in a happy relationship. I have worked hard at being a friend. I was told I was not there enough. I was not a good enough friend. It seemed as though no matter how hard I tried, it would not be good enough. I would not be good enough.

                In some regards this is true. It is never going to be good enough. There is always room for improvement, however, I am not an inadequate daughter, I do deserve love, and I do deserve to have good friends. I need to take lessons away from these feelings of inadequacy and learn from them. Take these lessons and improve life for me and others in my life. I have been lucky enough to have great people in my life recently. This makes me happy and gives me hope. It gives me hope that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be filled with happiness.

The Final Analysis

                I guess I’ve realized things are what I make them. I cannot control the actions of others. I can only control my response and my reactions. I can let all of these things consume my life. I can be overcome with negativity, frustration, anger, and just give up or I can live. I can learn. I can laugh about the ridiculous people who think it is necessary to lie or be deceitful. I can smile when I learn a lesson from a difficult situation. I can live life. I want to live life. I want to be happy and give happiness to the people around me, to those who are the most important to me. As Mother Theresa states, it is between me and God.

Wisdom From the Calendar

I had an unbelievable day today. Seriously, I don't even know how days like this find their way to me. I struggled through several emotional situations and struggled with many hard questions and inability to understand. I struggled through realizing people are not who I think they are. I struggled with many things today. Then, I found a new perspective. From the last place I would have expected.

Panic Attack vs. A Great Man
There it was. The familiar tightness in my chest. My heart was beating so fast I couldn't keep up the count. The faint feeling. The feeling like I wasn't able to control it; control anything. It crept right up on me, just like they usually do. I didn't see it coming. It was caused by a ridiculous thing, by ridiculous people. Even knowing this fact, I still couldn't stop in.

Then, right in the middle of all the craziness, my world spinning; I called him. He talked to me. He listened. He didn't judge. He calmed me down, and the panic attack went away. A great man helped me see that this feeling of panic, loss of control wasn't worth it. I could pull myself out of it. He was there to help if I needed it. Just now, after finding this new perspective, I realize just how lucky I am to have him in my life. Someone I can count on. Someone I can call if I start to get that familiar feeling in my chest, or when my heart starts beating faster and faster.

Thus, new perspective #1: Even though there are things beyond my control, there are also things within my control. These things are usually much more important than those that are beyond my control. I know I can enjoy my time with this great man, and just breathe.

Losing Trust, Thus Finding a Simple Joy
As much as I thought I could trust this person, something simple and small made me realize I cannot. That things are not what I thought they were. This made my heart drop and made me feel like there was no one I could trust. I just don't really undertstand people. You can do everything for them, and then they end up throwing a monkey wrench at you. Yuck. People just tend to stink now-a-days.

I was driving, and I found myself turning to go in the opposite direction I was suppose to. I was going to a familiar place. I was finding my way to the campus of the College of St. Catherine. I can always find peace there. So, there I sat, in front of the chapel in the snowy cold and out of no where I feel a surge of warmth. I could feel the strength of familiarity, a bond with this place, and the love of those with me, even if they weren't there physically. I found a simple joy in just giving myself that fifteen minute pleasure of sitting and finding these things. Of sitting and doing nothing.

Thus, new perspective #2: Trust in myself above all others. I have lived my life as the caregiver of others for too long. I am going to take more moments, more minutes for myself. And most importantly, I need to not be so trusting in others. I usually end up being hurt.

Harsh Words Followed by A Simple Compliment
For so long I have become accomstomed to doing without thanks. It can really become draining. It's hard to try and be all that you can be when there is no thank you. There is no small tokens of appreciation. Then, there are the harsh words spoken, and the mean thoughts thought. Things to try and break my spirit.

Out of the blue, a small, simple compliment came my way. This compliment meant the world to me right at that moment. It made me smile. Made me feel happy. Made me feel like I was worth something. Made me feel like I wanted to get up tomorrow and do the very best that I could. All from something so little, yet, so meaningful.

Thus, new perspective #3: One needs to be appreciated in order to be happy. I haven't felt appreciated. That's over with. I am going to spend more time surrounding myself with positive energy and positiveness, period. No more negativity. More appreciation. Out of this appreciate comes a mutual respect. Loss of this appreciation equates loss of respect. I will associate myself with those that I respect.

A Calendar That's Smarter Than I...
So, where are these new perspectives coming from, do you ask? From the least expected place. A calendar. One of those silly page a day calendars. The title of this calendar is "For Women Who Do Too Much". HA! That says it all. I came home from work today, after this emotionally draining day, remembering I had purchased new calendars. I joyfully opened it up. After reading the first page, I realized I needed to re-evaluated, re-prioritize, and live happier.

Thanks, Page-A-Day calendar for sharing your wisedom and giving me some new perspectives on life.

Use 'Em Then Lose 'Em??

Okay, okay. I know I've already posted today, but I've had something on my mind lately that has almost completely consumed me at times. It's something that scares me, and something that I know I should take seriously, but I don't want to think about it.

"You'll Make a Good Mom Someday"
I was sitting with mom in her hospital room. Everyone else had already left for the day, but I wanted someone to be there with her until her chemo was done. It was the first time she had ever had chemo. It was only one day after we were told of her diagnosis. I was scared. I don't know how she stayed so calm. We talked about so much that day, watched her favorite TV shows, and got comments from the nurses that they had never heard so much laughter coming from a cancer patients room before. That was my mom though. Always making everyone laugh and making the best of every situation.

Every time that nurse came into the room, I watched her intently. I watched the times. Was she doing the testing they were suppose to be? Mom didn't seem to mind the constant needles, the constant pokes, the constant testing. Mom kept talking about so many things. She kept talking about what she was proud of with me, what she could see in the future for me. One thing that she said that will always stay with me was "You will make such a good mom some day." The look she had on her face I will never forget. It was a look of excitement, but also a look of sadness, like she wouldn't be there to see it. I asked her why she thought that. Mom said, "You are so great with people. You are always prepared for every situation. You will make such a good mom someday."She says this as I'm eating a snack I had packed in my bag, laying under the blanket I had brought with knowing I would be sitting with mom for a long time, and plugging my phone into the way with the charger I remembered to bring.

Mom and I talked about a lot of things that day. Things that I will never ever forget.

"You Better Use 'Em Then Lose 'Em..."
What some of you may or may not know, I've had several years of bad health. With my reproductive organs. My mom had a diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer. I had already had three surgeries before mom was diagnosed to remove stuff that wasn't suppose to be there. After mom got sick and passed away, I went back into the doctor. I had to be serious about this, as much as I didn't want to think about it. Since mom had Ovarian Cancer, my risk is three times higher than that of an average woman.

I went into the appointment dreading it. That wasn't out of the ordinary. Who the heck likes going to the gynecologist anyways? Well, this appointment was worse than most I remember. We discussed the symptoms I was currently experiencing (bloating, pelvic pain, difficulty eating/feeling full quickly, urinary issues, fatigue, back pain, indigestion, etc). Well...after mom had her diagnosis, I did research. I had no idea about this disease. Well, guess what? Those are all symptoms of Ovarian Cancer. The doctor suggested surgery and then said, "You're 27 years old. Your best bet is to just use 'em then lose 'em." What?!? I'm only 27 years old...what if I wasn't ready to "use 'em" as he so casually put it.

Well, I had the surgery. No cancer. My symptoms were gone. Or so I thought. Now, only 3 months later, my symptoms are back. Worse then before I had the surgery in October. It's scary. It seems as I've continued to get older the symptoms have just continued to get worse. It's to the point where I'm changing my every day routine. I'm avoiding activities I really enjoy. But I'm afraid to go to the doctor. I'm afraid.

Now, on top of these symptoms I've experienced before, I've had other symptoms and bouts with illness like I've never experienced before. Is it my heart? My liver? The don't know. I guess I need to do more tests to figure this one out...But I don't want to. I'm scared. My mom would usually be the one to talk sense into me and talk me into going. She would even go with me. I hate going to the doctor myself.

To Baby Or Not To Baby?
So, now faced with another round of scary symptoms and illnesses, my doctors words ring through my ears daily, "Use 'em then lose 'em." What kind of a decision is that for a 27 year old to make? Not one I want to make. My mom always told me things would work out the way they were suppose to. So, what do I do? I don't know what to do here. All I know is its scary. Very scary. However, these symptoms are back, and they are back with vengeance. And it makes me think about what I should do. I don't want to live my life in pain, or in constant fear about what this symptom or that symptom means. But, do I want to "lose 'em" and lose a huge dream I've had for myself for as long as I can remember? I don't know.

I finally broke down and made some medical appointments today. They all scare me. One of them involves a very long needed being poked into my ribcage. Anyone want to take that one for me? Hopefully, these appointments will show there is nothing serious wrong and things can be easily fixed, however, the question will always remain, when is the right time to use 'em, and when should I lose 'em.

Letters to Mom...

There seems to be a theme to this week (and I'm sorry if it seems to be boring, but it is on my mind quite a bit): My Mom. This past week has been so hard. There have been so many things that I've wanted so badly to share with her: frustrations about a situation that is really bothering me, talking about the new opportunity I've been able to experience, talking about the latest mishap that has occurred. But I haven't been able to. The other day, I actually found myself picking up the telephone and dialing her number. I was in the process of calling her when I realized she would not be on the other end of the line.

I do believe that my mom can still hear me, that she is still with me, but it is so hard to not be able to enjoy those conversations as we have so many times in the past. Is it selfish to want her to be here to answer those phone calls?

The following is something I wrote in the days following my mother's death. My letters to my mom:

2/28/2010:
My Beautiful Mother, by Danielle Sawatzky:
A beautiful smile always upon your face;
Your guiding hands to help me find my place.

The many words of wisdom you've shared with me;
All of the times you opened my eyes to help me see.

Your unwavering strength and courageous ways;
Holding my hand through life's confusing maze.

In my heart are echoes of your laugh-
Your hard work is under my feet, paving my path.

You rarely thought of yourself, always of others;
You are the world's best mother.

Sometimes I can't understand why you're gone;
Sometimes I don't understand what could have gone wrong.

But, when I feel like a part of me is missing-
All I have to do is open my eyes and listen.

I see your smile in the shining sunlight;
It's just as beautiful, just as bright.

I can feel your strength in each beat of my heart;
It's like we've never even been apart.

I feel your hands gently guiding my way;
"I'm always with you," I can hear you say.

In God's Kingdom, I know you're peaceful and free;
I know you'll always be a part of me.

Does anyone else write poetry? I've for the majority of my life. Sometimes I struggle with what I'm going to say, what format to put it in, and so many other things. This one just came write out of my mind onto paper. Free flowing, with very little effort. This was my mother. She was all of these things, and I know I am who I am because of her and all of the things that she has done for me and for the world.

3/2/2010:
Mom:
I know that you won't be reading this, but I have struggled with how to get my feelings out. How to try and understand this shock we've been dealt with. I don't know how I am going to go on without you. You are such an important part of my life, How am I suppose to continue life with such a huge piece of my heart missing? I know that most important you would want us all to be happy and not to be sad, but it's just so hard. You were such an amazing mother. You did such amazing things. How can I be happy without you in my life? Without you here to answer my questions, guide me in the right direction, make me laugh when I called crying?

I am so thankful for all you have done for me. You have taught me how to be a strong, independent woman. You have taught me how to be self sufficient and work hard for all of the things I have in life. You showed me how to live life simply and fully -- I just wish I would have listened to you more before now. Before it was too late. Now I regret living life the way I have the past several years instead of living a simpler life and enjoying some of the small things that I am pretty sure that I missed out on.

I know that I am blessed to have been able to share the last 27 years of my life with you, but I wish that I had another 27 years of time with you.

Miss you. Love you. Dani

This was something I had written prior to mom's funeral. We were all thinking about writing something to be read at the funeral. I had a really hard time. How does one write something that sums up the life of someone as amazing as my mom. I don't know. This isn't what I chose. This was a letter to my mom, not something to be read at her funeral. I still find myself writing to her every now and then, in my journal, like I would if she were alive. When she was alive, I would write it in a card and send it to her and see it standing up on her desk at home the next time I visited. Now when I write her, it's in my journal. She doesn't get to read it.

A Slight Case of Depression
Thinking of my mom so much lately has made me feel a little depressed. Especially with all of the things that are going on right now. I wish she were here sharing in the joys of life. I wish she would have been able to see my sister graduate from college and go on to do great things as she is. I wish she would be able to see how my brother has been doing such great things. I wish she could see how strong my dad is. I wish she were here to enjoy this with all of us right now. The fact that she's not makes me feel a little sad. Is this a bad thing? Is it wrong to feel depressed because she's not here? Is it selfish?

I guess in sense, this is another letter to mom. Another letter telling her just how much I miss her and just how much I wish she were here. Love you mom. Miss you every day.

Dreams, Doughnuts, and Tears....

This is going to be another one of those rambling blogs that likely will not make sense to anyone. It doesn't even make sense to me, in my head.

I Need My Mom
It's days like today that I really miss my mom. I actually found myself picking up the phone and dialing her work number only to remember she would not be at the other end of the line to answer. How the heck am I suppose to figure this one out on my own? Who am I suppose to call and talk to? Who will listen to me cry and tell me everything will be okay and to help the tears stop coming. How am I suppose to get through this without her?

She always understood. She understood what I was saying, why I was feeling bad. She never told me not to cry about it, or that I shouldn't be angry. She listened patiently until I had told her every detail about what was happening and she always found just the right thing to say to make it better. She always knew how to make me feel okay. Even on days when I complained about things that I didn't really need to complain about, or cried because of something ridiculous that didn't deserve a tear, she still understood, she still listened, and she still always knew the exact thing to say. I miss mom.

Ridiculously Petty People
Today was another one of those days that just got to me. It really should not get to me. I should not have let other ridiculous petty people make me feel this way. It's just hard to have stuff like this happen over and over again. I wish I could stand up for myself and say something, but I've always been the quiet, compliant person who will do whatever is asked of her and do it above expectations. I have always tried to do my best at everything and it really hurts to feel this disrespected and untrusted. Like I would freak out about this? Or I would do something dumb? No. I wouldn't. I would keep doing what I've always done. My best.

I think a lot about my mom. I compare my mom to people a lot. My mom raised me and my brother and sister to be good people. To have good work ethic. To be understanding. To always give our all. There are not many other people like this out there anymore. It can be pretty darn frustrating. I'm not going to lie. I wish there were more people like my mom out there. She would do what she needed to do, eliminate as much BS as she could, and smile while doing everything. Almost every single memory I have of my mom is with a smile on her face. Her beautiful, colorful smile that radiated love and always made everything better.

Letting It All Out
So, I took it upon myself to allow a few minutes to cry and let the emotion out. I even let someone else see it. I've always tried to portray myself as the strong one who can get through anything. The one that can handle it all. Today, I couldn't pretend to be that person. At least not for those 20 minutes. Even though I wasn't able to finish dialing my mom's number, I was able to make a phone call to another individual important in my life, which helped. He wasn't my mom, but just the same, he was there to listen. And that meant the world to me.

After crying for a good 20 minutes, talking on the phone, I made a decision. I'm not going to take the disrespect any more. I'm going to take a day or two to clear my head and decide what path is the best for me to get this matter resolved. The truth is though, I can't continue to be made to feel this way. It's not fair. It's not okay. I deserve to get the same amount of respect that  I give.

More people need to live life with mom's philosophy - Hippies and Happiness. Laughter and Love. Fairness and Fun. Communication and Clarity. Dreams and Doughnuts :)

Sparkle Dust

I grew up in a small town. Really small. Most people have no concept of really how small it is. Their faces show shock and awe that there is a town with no stoplight. But, that's where I grew up. When I was younger, I didn't really like it all that much. Everyone seemed to know everything. In high school, when one person was mad at you, everyone was. You couldn't get away from it. I couldn't wait to "grow up" and move away and live in the big city. It had to be better, right?

Well, I did just that. I grew up and I moved to the big city. Minneapolis. It was an entirely different world. I didn't know anyone. There were strangers everywhere. There were things I had never seen before. There were most definitely stop lights. Lots of them. I hated trying to drive anywhere, but even worse was taking the bus. There can be some very strange people on the bus at 6am. Overall, I liked it. Things were convenience. If I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't have to. The people I crossed paths with in the hallway didn't know me and didn't know my story. I didn't have to worry so much what others thought, of trying to be the person that I thought I had to be.

The past few months, I've missed living in the small town. When tragedy strikes, people pull together and help each other. They call. They stop by. They give hugs. That doesn't happen here in the big city. In the big city, people don't look at you any more and walk the other way when they see you coming. They shut their door because they don't want to talk to you.

In the past several months, someone from the small town I grew up in has been taking time to send little notes to me electronically every now and then. Just little things. Memories of my mom. Things she's working on. Things of interest. At the end of each note, she ends with a "sparkle dust" for the message. This "Sparkle Dust" always seems to find me exactly at that moment that I need it. That "Sparkle Dust" always seems to be just exactly what I needed to hear and always arrives at just the right moment. Each of these little thoughts always seem to put whatever frustrating situation I'm experiences in perspective. This doesn't happy here. It only happens in a small town, where people will take the time to try and send some joy to others when they don't need to.

I miss home.