A Pot of Coffee and A Good Morning Song

My heart felt dark today; dark and empty. I don’t like days like this. In fact, I don’t really like weeks like this. The week started out with a little gray spot hiding at the bottom of my heart and now has turned into darkness more than I am able to describe. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. What would I do? Have another day to add to the list of B.S. I am fed up with? I don’t wanna. There I said it. I don’t wanna. I am letting the inner child find its way out.

I remember when I used to do that to my mom. For those of you who don’t know me well, I am NOT a morning person. I repeat: I am NOT a morning person. Growing up, I never had an alarm clock. That was a very odd adjustment I had to make when I moved out on my own when I was 18: setting an alarm clock to wake myself up. Anyways, my mom would come downstairs every morning and sing (or, try to sing, maybe?): “Good morning, good morning, good morning, it’s time to rise and shine. Good morning, good morning, good morning, I hope you’re feeling fine.” As much as I hated getting up so early each day, there was just something about my mom’s smiling voice, singing me awake. I always got up; even through the “Darlene Phase”.

I did the same thing for myself today. I got myself up. I thought about my mom and her little “song” and I got myself up. The day seemed to be filled with issue after issue after issue, and problem after problem. Disappointment regarding a realization that I have been trying to avoid for so long crept into my heart as I finally came to terms with it. It could have been a day that I could have said: “I’m done. I am out of here. I can’t take this anymore” But I didn’t.

Of all of my memories of my mom, I don’t know if I have any of her being disappointed to the point I am. I don’t know that I have any memories of any days that mom just wouldn’t get out of bed. She was always up, making a pot of coffee, and singing us awake. I know my mom had many more reasons to be disappointed or frustrated about things that I do. She had a crazy job. I don’t know how she did it. But she did. And she did it each day with a smile on her face and a song in her voice. She was an amazing person.

This memory gave me hope. I went to sing karaoke. Singing is something I love to do. It always makes me feel better. Whether its karaoke, singing in the shower, or “yell-singing” in my car. It always reconnects myself to what I am missing. Today, I was missing the ability to find hope in my day; like my mom always would. And I found it.

I caught myself putting my mixed CD in the CD player of my car and automatically turning it to number 8 “She’s a Rainbow” by the Rolling Stones. I didn’t even know this song 14 months ago. It did not become a part of my iPod’s play list until my dad picked it to play at my mom’s memorial. Now, for me,  it’s everything about my mom put into a three minute song. It’s a three minute way to reconnect to my roots and find my mom’s smiling singing voice that I remember so vividly; it’s my three minute way to remember that there is happiness and hope when it feels like there isn’t. So, from somewhere up there, my mom is smiling down, singing me awake, and for that I am always thankful.

“Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.”

~ Unknown

86,400 Seconds

I watched a musical today. It was actually a pretty good movie. For some reason, it made me think of the movie, “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.” The title alone is intriguing. The story line, reminds me of my life in the months past. The main character is struggling to journey home, accompanied by, at times, less than desirable company. This reminds me of my life: struggling to find home, who I am, and where I belong, accompanied by some less than desirable company from time to time. Today makes me feel like my journey home is going to be even more of a struggle than I have ever anticipated.

I live in a location that experiences a high volume of plane, railway, and automobile traffic. Do you ever wonder, while watching an airplane overhead, who is on the plane? Or think about where they are going? What is being transported on that train driving by, blowing it’s whistles at really annoying times of the day? Who is in the sleek silver BMW driving down the freeway with the windows down singing along to the music? The past month I have had more and more of an itch to just get in my car and drive. Go somewhere warmer. Go somewhere brighter. Go somewhere with less reminders. Go somewhere with different people. Drive and drive and drive. Just go.

This itch is driven by the realization that there are so many people in this world that appear to live their lives only for themselves. They are unable to see beyond their own rose colored glasses. They are unwilling to take a moment out of their day to say thank you or ask if someone needs help. This makes me sad. Recently, I participated in a training session. After 3 and a half hours of this training, I was pretty much zoned out, until the presenter at the moment made a very interesting point. He stated that our generation (yes, I’m talking about my generation) is less caring, less giving then generations of the past. The focus of our lives now is finding the job that will make us the most money, driving that fancy shiny car down the road, traveling in that airplane to an exotic beach location somewhere. The focus has been taken off of the important things. I agree with this observation the trainer had communicated. I’m not big into politics. It seems like no matter who the players are, the story is always the same. Recently, there have been large cuts in areas that I find very important: Care of People. Cuts have been made in areas of caring for individuals with disabilities, individuals with several medical conditions, research into important health programs, education programs. This further shows what the focus of our lives are today.

Obviously, I am not part of the “stereotyped generation” that this presenter was talking about, because I have to work a ton of hours in a low paying social services job in order to make my ends meet. I would give up an opportunity to have a night off with friends to attend a client’s birthday celebration, or to go home and help my family take care of paperwork. I have lived my life trying to give to and help others. Today, my buttons were pushed and I may understand why more and more people have opted to take the “I’m looking for the money” route. As much as I give to so many people, it’s not appreciated. It’s taken for granted. The thank you’s are far and few in between. I’m Steve Martin with the less than desirable company. I don’t like it. I want to have fun, exciting company like Adam Sandler or P!nk. Or Jason Aldean (he’s dreamy)….

So, what do I do? Am I going to drive away from my problems? No I am not. I had an amazing mother who taught me differently. She taught me that it is more important to do something you enjoy and something that may make a difference someday than to have money or other material items. She always said, “You can’t take money with you when you die.” She was right (of course, she always was). You can’t. She taught me to be me, and I enjoy helping others. I am the caregiver type of person. Days like today are just tough. It would just be nice to hear a thank you, or to have someone offer to help. So, I will continue to live life differently than the norm and give. I will make sure to say thank you more and offer my help whenever I can to try and keep more people from joining the “dark side”. I encourage everyone else to do the same. A simple thank you or “great job” can really go far in our world today. It can really make someone’s day. Don’t take our life style for granted. Don’t take life for granted: live it, and live it well. That’s the most important thing in the end.

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say ‘thank you?’”

~ Unknown