I'm Back!!!

It’s been a while since I’ve found myself at my computer, writing. I’ve had a roller coaster ride of emotions in the past several weeks. I had a bad case of food poisoning. After making a recovery from that, I got an extreme cold. Then, it was time to celebrate my 28^th birthday. My first birthday since my mom died almost a year ago. I didn’t know how this was going to go. I didn’t know if I would make it through. I did. I actually had a good time, and even won $15 at the casino (I know…not that impressive). I spent time with friends and family. There were a couple of occasions in the day where I felt an overwhelming sense of loss, sadness, and anger – anger that she wasn’t there to celebrate. I had a couple of flash back to my birthday last year, which were hard, and made the breath in my throat catch and my heart race. I remember talking to my mom on the phone on my birthday after she had had her biopsy. She was out of it. She forgot to say Happy Birthday. I remember going out and eating prime rib with my mom the day after my birthday, same thing we did this year. I remember that was the night that I felt scared for the first time. I could see the uncomfortable feeling my mom was experiencing on her face. This was the first time I had seen it. It was the scariest day of my life, up to that point of course.

Now, today, I woke up and was hit with a couple of realizations. I’ve let go of myself. I had started to give up on myself. This isn’t okay. I need to get myself back. I need to take my life back. I had a great talk with a co-worker, and was able to relate my life to hers in more ways than I would have ever thought was possible. She told me the things she was doing to get her life back on track, and it inspired me. I want to get back on track. My sister sent me a message the other day that motivated me as well. My boyfriend has committed to supporting me through this process as well. I’m going to do it. I woke up this morning with this commitment to myself, those great people who helped me realize what I was doing to myself and that I needed to re-commit to myself, and to all the other great people in my life.

I got up this morning on a mission. Okay, granted, I did sleep until 11:30a, but hey, don’t judge. I worked 88 hours this week…When I got up, I started my research and now have a plan I feel comfortable with. I have tried to set up a realistic goal. I would love to be able to do this sooner, but I want to do everything in the most healthy way, so it can be maintained for the rest of my life. I’m going to do this. Soon, the old me will be back. So….watch out world! I’m back!

The Uncertainty of Starting Over....

                If you have been reading anything that I’ve been posting in the past month, I’m sure that you know that there have been some things going on that are hard for me to handle. This continues on for some reason. There continues to be issue upon issue that seems to add insult to injury. I try to just brush it all off and go on with life the way it was. I try and smile and make life the most I can make it. Yesterday, I realized that maybe this isn’t what I should be doing. Maybe it’s time to close this chapter of life, and start a new one.

Closing the Chapter

            As I think about the positives of making this choice, I also realize how hard this is going to be. It’s not as easy as it sounds. There would be a lot of things that would be greatly impacted and would change my life dramatically. But I think in this long run this may be the best decision.

            The entire reason that I started thinking about this was I had sent someone a text message. This person used to be one of my best friends in the world. We were, at most times, inseparable. I explained something to her, asked her a question, and got no response; in several days. This was a person who would text me daily and ask how I was or just to see how my day was going. No response after about 72 hours. The last time she initiated a conversation was because she was asking for something. Not just to say “Hi” or ask how I’ve been doing. That’s painful.

            And it’s not just her. There are many other people that I considered to be very good friends that will not answer a message or a phone call. It’s been months since they have initiated conversation of any type. I’m tired of trying so hard, always being the one to check in on people, and it going unnoticed or unappreciated. When I happen to see one of these “friends” from the past, they limit conversation topics to pleasantries and small talk. Nothing like it used to be. If you want the honest truth, it usually feels awkward and usually makes me feel like it’s not something I really want to keep doing.

            This has been cause of great anxiety, depths of feeling hurt, and feelings of failure. I’ve always tried to maintain these friendships and be there for my “friends” as best I could be when they needed it, even though most days I needed their friendship more than they will ever know; and the friendship did not find its way back to me like I had hoped it would. I’ve tried too hard for too long. It has been almost a year. I cannot keep doing it. I’m closing the chapter. I’m starting a new chapter.

Blank Pages

            The scariest part of doing this is the uncertainty of all of the blank pages that lay ahead. Part of closing the last chapter means, for the most part, I will be starting over. Of course there will be some of the same places, people, and things in this new chapter, but it is time to find positive things to fill these new pages with. It’s time to live life each day at a time and not worry about trying to mend things from the past that may not be mendable. I’m going to work hard at being the person I want to be and working hard at being happy, being me.

            So, here it goes. I’m making a new me. I’m going to make the best out of my days and my time. I’m going to use bright colors to write this chapter. It will be written in Crayola crayons with doodles and silly pictures. This new chapter is going to be everything that it should be.