It’s been a while since I’ve found myself at my computer, writing. I’ve had a roller coaster ride of emotions in the past several weeks. I had a bad case of food poisoning. After making a recovery from that, I got an extreme cold. Then, it was time to celebrate my 28th birthday. My first birthday since my mom died almost a year ago. I didn’t know how this was going to go. I didn’t know if I would make it through. I did. I actually had a good time, and even won $15 at the casino (I know…not that impressive). I spent time with friends and family. There were a couple of occasions in the day where I felt an overwhelming sense of loss, sadness, and anger – anger that she wasn’t there to celebrate. I had a couple of flash back to my birthday last year, which were hard, and made the breath in my throat catch and my heart race. I remember talking to my mom on the phone on my birthday after she had had her biopsy. She was out of it. She forgot to say Happy Birthday. I remember going out and eating prime rib with my mom the day after my birthday, same thing we did this year. I remember that was the night that I felt scared for the first time. I could see the uncomfortable feeling my mom was experiencing on her face. This was the first time I had seen it. It was the scariest day of my life, up to that point of course.
Now, today, I woke up and was hit with a couple of realizations. I’ve let go of myself. I had started to give up on myself. This isn’t okay. I need to get myself back. I need to take my life back. I had a great talk with a co-worker, and was able to relate my life to hers in more ways than I would have ever thought was possible. She told me the things she was doing to get her life back on track, and it inspired me. I want to get back on track. My sister sent me a message the other day that motivated me as well. My boyfriend has committed to supporting me through this process as well. I’m going to do it. I woke up this morning with this commitment to myself, those great people who helped me realize what I was doing to myself and that I needed to re-commit to myself, and to all the other great people in my life.
I got up this morning on a mission. Okay, granted, I did sleep until 11:30a, but hey, don’t judge. I worked 88 hours this week…When I got up, I started my research and now have a plan I feel comfortable with. I have tried to set up a realistic goal. I would love to be able to do this sooner, but I want to do everything in the most healthy way, so it can be maintained for the rest of my life. I’m going to do this. Soon, the old me will be back. So….watch out world! I’m back!
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