A Little Piece of Happiness...

Two years ago, today was a day that marked un-remarkable hope for me after several days of terrifying fear. It was a day that gave me hope. A day that made me feel like there was a chance. The first day in several, I got down on my knees and I thanked God. It was a day that I felt like my heart wasn’t broken into a million pieces, and I wasn’t in a state of constant anxiety, worry. Two years ago today, my mother told me some of the most beautiful things that I will always hold dear to my heart. Some of these things are things that kick my butt up out of bed when I’m feeling kind of down.

Today, two years later, I have experienced events that will forever change my life – things that I wasn’t expecting to happen on this day two years ago. Although, this time of year is always very hard for me, I remembered what today was like two years ago, and it made me smile. It made me find the positives, when sometimes this is very hard for me to do when thinking about this subject.

The thing that I find the easiest to remember and find happiness in was the conversation my mom and I had on this day two years ago. This was the day she was being discharged after having her first round of chemo. The doctor told us he was optimistic, that mom had really handled it all well, and he could see the treatment helping. We sat together in the waiting area of the hospital. Mom and I chatted casually at first – about the weather, about my birthday, and about how she couldn’t wait to have a cigarette. I, of course, gave mom a lecture about quitting smoking – after all the doctor had just diagnosed her with Stage IV cancer, told her he was optimistic about her treatment, and she was going to go smoke a “cancer stick” to celebrate? Mom gave me a smart ass remark back – typical. Then she looked me right in the eye and said, “It doesn’t matter. I’ve lived the fullest life I could have asked for. Your dad and you kids – that’s all anyone could ever need. I’ve lived a full life.” It felt good to hear mom say she was happy, but I of course told her that there are going to be many more happy times ahead for her to look forward to. Mom continued on to tell me how proud she was of me, and all that I had done. Then, she asked me to be there for the family – especially my dad. She said he was going to need me. It meant a lot to me in that moment that my mom had that much faith in me, but again, I just told her that we would all be there for each other.

The days following are not filled with as many opportunities to find happiness and fond memories, so I really hold on to this one tight. It means so much to me, and on days when I feel like things are getting to be too much, I remember this conversation. I can feel some of my strength finding its way back to me.

My mother was such a beautiful, amazing person. It never fails: I can look at a picture of her and remember the crazy things she was doing or saying. I can see something of hers and remember the fun times we had. This is my piece of happiness today: remembering these beautiful words my mom had to say to me, and knowing that she felt happy almost all of the days of her life.

Truth, Tears, and Turning a New Page

It’s been a rough month; but a month that has taught me a lot about myself, and those I choose to surround myself with. I’ve always felt as though I was a good judge of character – it appears this may not be the absolute truth.

A few years ago, I had a revelation of sorts: there just weren’t very many people that I needed to have in my life. It was a hard, sad revelation. Here are these people that I spend the majority of my free time with, and it just didn’t matter that much to me anymore that I had to miss the weekly outing and found myself hitting the ignore button on their calls. My values, hopes, and priorities had all changed – quickly. I thought I had utilized all of these new values and priorities, but it appears some have slipped through the cracks.

I like to think I am a good friend, a good person. I like to think that I try to do as much for others as I can. The hardest thing in the world is not having that reciprocated when needed. A crack in the heart starts to form. My level of trust decreases. My walls start to go up. I start to depend more on myself. The tears come a little more frequently.

After going through this same sort of issues twice now in the past couple of years, it has really started to get me to think…what am I doing? I’m doing all of the same things I was two years ago. No wonder the same thing is happening. I need to make a change; a serious change.

I’ve decided what this change will be and it will be a hard one to make, but I think it will be the best for me in the long run. Now, I just have to have faith that things will work out, and that things will start to turn around, and I do. I do have this faith and I believe in myself.

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”

~Isaiah 40:31

The Cracks

I’ve had the feeling again. It’s the worst feeling I can imagine; it is one I would not wish on anyone – the feeling of my heart breaking. It’s nothing more than the feeling that something is not going to end up the way you hoped it would. It could be finding out the person you were hoping shared the same feelings as you doesn’t; losing someone you hold dear; or something as simple as realizing things just didn’t go as you planned.

I can feel a small crack. It hurts, and to be honest, I don’t really know what I should do about it.

Now, these are the days that I am reminded of the much bigger break in my heart, the one that will always be there and can never be fixed. If that break wasn’t there, my mom could tell me how to fix this crack, but I have to be independent and strong and figure out this crack on my own. I’ve found this isn’t always easy.

Throughout my life, I’ve kind of taken on the role of care-giver. I tend to think that I need to take care of myself and figure things out on my own. I have a really hard time reaching out when these cracks start to form. I wish this was not true about me, but it is (I think this was an inherited trait). Lately, I can feel a couple of cracks, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to say anything. I think things would just be a heck of a lot easier if I did. I think I would be much happier if I did. I just don’t know how.

Now, here is where the issue becomes an issue: how do you reteach a 20-something woman how to ask for help and express her feelings more? How do you teach her how to do more for herself when she spends most of her free time doing for others? What’s the right way to tell others you can’t do it all anymore? I cannot seem to find the answers to these questions, but instead, find myself saying yes to doing more for others.

After several years of turmoil, several years of doubt, and several years of uncertainty, I’m starting to find more of my answers within myself and my faith. Some days it is hard to think about the “good plan” there is from all of this, but more and more each day, I do think there is a “Good Plan” and I just have to trust in this; trust in Him. My mother always told me, “We don’t get anything that we can’t handle.” As much as I don’t really want to, I have started to feel that this is true. I need to go through these things and feel these cracks in order for the plan for me to work out.

In the meantime, I’ve starting working on a couple of things just for me: things that are exciting to me and things that make me happy. I’ve starting working on remembering that even though I may be experiencing these cracks, there are people out there right now that are experiencing breaks. I need to be thankful for all that I have in life, and remember:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

~Isaiah 41:10

The Great Realization

Throughout the past several weeks, I have found myself thinking – a lot. I have found myself wondering where the happiness had gone; how I had lost the fight; and where had my spunk gone again? I know that this is a rough time of year. It has been for two years – but it just seems like this year is a little worse for me…and all involved. I try to be there as much as possible, but find myself sad, disappointed, and even angry at times.

The Great Realization

After speaking with a good friend today, I realized something. I’ve put my life on hold. I’ve stopped doing some of the things that I love, and that just is not cool. Then I thought about something that I hadn’t thought about in two years – my bucket list: the great list of all of the things that I want to be able to enjoy and do in my lifetime. I’m quite sure that my bucket list isn’t anything near as spectacular as it should be – but I am a pretty simple woman. Simple things make me the happiest. Simple things like: taking the day to go for a drive to find an old-fashioned ice cream shop to be able to smell fresh waffle cones being made; spending the day down town Minneapolis with my camera in hand and picnic basket to sit on a bus stop bench to eat lunch and watch people go along on their days; or even just packing a blanket and finding that perfect spot to lay up and watch the sky roll by in all of its magnificence. This is part of my bucket list – my forgotten bucket list.

So, if my bucket list is so simple, why have I forgotten about it, you may ask? Let me tell you my theory.

The Theory: I have just gotten too gosh darn caught up in the negative parts of each day.

That is a sad realization. I should know better – I should know that someone somewhere is going through something much harder than I. Although life isn’t the same for me anymore (nor will it ever be), I am still pretty darn lucky – luckier than most. I need to remember this. So what am I going to do about this? I decided to embark on a Great Journey – The Great Happiness Journey. My goal, I think it’s a good one, is to find something happy, something positive about each day and pass this happiness on to someone else. I know that there have been several times that someone has said or done something that has had a tremendous impact on me. I want to give it a try. Even if it doesn’t change someone’s life, I think it will make my life just a little happier and a little less negative.

One of the things that I have also started to do to try and find some of the happiness that seems to be hiding is turning back to my faith and finding answers there. Today, I thought I would share this with you:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

I need to take charge of my own happiness. I need to ask for it, seek it, and find it…