Two years ago, today was a day that marked un-remarkable hope for me after several days of terrifying fear. It was a day that gave me hope. A day that made me feel like there was a chance. The first day in several, I got down on my knees and I thanked God. It was a day that I felt like my heart wasn’t broken into a million pieces, and I wasn’t in a state of constant anxiety, worry. Two years ago today, my mother told me some of the most beautiful things that I will always hold dear to my heart. Some of these things are things that kick my butt up out of bed when I’m feeling kind of down.
Today, two years later, I have experienced events that will forever change my life – things that I wasn’t expecting to happen on this day two years ago. Although, this time of year is always very hard for me, I remembered what today was like two years ago, and it made me smile. It made me find the positives, when sometimes this is very hard for me to do when thinking about this subject.
The thing that I find the easiest to remember and find happiness in was the conversation my mom and I had on this day two years ago. This was the day she was being discharged after having her first round of chemo. The doctor told us he was optimistic, that mom had really handled it all well, and he could see the treatment helping. We sat together in the waiting area of the hospital. Mom and I chatted casually at first – about the weather, about my birthday, and about how she couldn’t wait to have a cigarette. I, of course, gave mom a lecture about quitting smoking – after all the doctor had just diagnosed her with Stage IV cancer, told her he was optimistic about her treatment, and she was going to go smoke a “cancer stick” to celebrate? Mom gave me a smart ass remark back – typical. Then she looked me right in the eye and said, “It doesn’t matter. I’ve lived the fullest life I could have asked for. Your dad and you kids – that’s all anyone could ever need. I’ve lived a full life.” It felt good to hear mom say she was happy, but I of course told her that there are going to be many more happy times ahead for her to look forward to. Mom continued on to tell me how proud she was of me, and all that I had done. Then, she asked me to be there for the family – especially my dad. She said he was going to need me. It meant a lot to me in that moment that my mom had that much faith in me, but again, I just told her that we would all be there for each other.
The days following are not filled with as many opportunities to find happiness and fond memories, so I really hold on to this one tight. It means so much to me, and on days when I feel like things are getting to be too much, I remember this conversation. I can feel some of my strength finding its way back to me.
My mother was such a beautiful, amazing person. It never fails: I can look at a picture of her and remember the crazy things she was doing or saying. I can see something of hers and remember the fun times we had. This is my piece of happiness today: remembering these beautiful words my mom had to say to me, and knowing that she felt happy almost all of the days of her life.
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