Uncertainty

What is it exactly that you want from me?

What is it exactly that you think this could be?

 

I feel confusion and like you just don’t know;

Now I’m feeling unsure of me and it’s a painful blow.

 

I don’t understand what your words and actions mean –

I wish you would be open, honest, and just come clean.

 

I reluctantly bared it all: my heart, my soul –

And all the uncertainty is starting to take its toll.

 

I don’t want to feel any more false hope –

I’m tired of trying to find new ways to cope.

 

 

 

From the archives of many feelings written down. This one was written on a day filled with uncertainty. That's how my day started today. I was confused, upset, and uncertain.

 

Thank goodness for all the of the beautiful, great people in this world who took time out of their busy days and to set aside their problems just for a little while to listen and offer some pretty great advice.

Do It Anyway

What a rough week. No joke. I think this is one of the hardest I’ve had in over two and a half years. I felt really lost and like I was stuck in a rut of negativity. It felt like no matter what I did, there was something negative around the corner. I tried so hard to find something positive, to do good deeds, to be thankful. It was hard to do. I have heard this prayer before, and it’s always been one of my favorites, but my sister sent this to me a couple of days ago (when I really needed to see it again) and it reminded me of many things that I had forgotten this week when I had lost focus on what was most important and got lost in things that were not at all important.

Looking back at the week, I felt that I had been deceived, taken advantage of, lied to, criticized, under-appreciated, and people were discouraging the happiness I was trying to create for myself. I felt like I should just stop it all – stop giving my all, stop helping others, stop going out of my way to do things for others, stop being honest – because it seemed like everyone around me was not doing any of it. At the point when I felt like there was no reason to keep giving 110%, the positives starting filtering their way in. I didn’t notice them at first, maybe because I didn’t want to (sometimes it is easier to just be pissed off). A big positive found its way to me, and immediately I knew that my life and the outcome of my life is 100% up to me. It’s up to me to live my life. People will always take advantage of others, lie to people they say they care about, and try and create issues that do not need exist. People like this will always find their way into our lives – but it does not mean that I have to let it change my life.

I always knew my mom was proud and we had a great relationship, but someone delivered affirmation of this this week in the form of a short story about something that probably seemed quite insignificant to them. The story that was shared made my heart feel warm and complete – the fact that my mom was so happy about something so small. The fact that my mom was so proud over something so little made me smile the biggest smile. I couldn’t stay mad. I couldn’t give up. I could, however, make some changes – and I will.

To those who have not been 100% honest with me the past couple of weeks, I will continue to be honest with you and I will continue to treat you with all of the respect each human deserves. I will try to think about the situation you were in that made you feel it was necessary to not be honest with me. I will look at ways to improve myself to be more approachable so that one doesn’t feel as though it is necessary to lie or omit pieces of what is going on. I will pray that someday you share the complete truth with me about the situation and that you are able to find the truth behind the situation.

To those who have shared information with others that was not true – I am going to continue to work hard on creating a beautiful new me and I will not let these untrue words affect this. I will also try my hardest to help you in your quest to finding the beautiful you that you are seeking. I will continue to work on building all those around me up higher by creating the positives we all need in our day to overcome the inevitable negatives that we encounter in our day to day lives. I will do my best to help you find your way.

To those who have not felt as though I have given my all – I will continue working harder and harder every day to do just that – give my all. Give it more than my all, give it 110%. I will look to you for help in ways to continue to grow and become better and better able to give my all.

To those who have forgotten the good that is done for us on a daily basis – I pray that we are able to continue to see the good that is given to us each day and to hold onto this good and use it grow and be inspired to share this good with other who may need it more than we do at that moment. Remember we should all “Be Kind, Everyone is fighter is harder battle.”

And to those of you who have been there for me – sending inspiring words, meeting for coffee to talk about things going on in my life, finding time to meet with me and talk about things that were bothersome, taking the time out of your day to jot down a note to share good words, calling late at night to check in and offer your advice, sharing a seemingly insignificant story – thank you. I will continue to work as hard as I can to live by the words of St. Teresa’s prayer and continue to do as much good and spread this good as far as I am able.

And most importantly – to those people in my life who taught me what was most important in life, thank you. The words my dad share with me on a daily basis building me back up after a particularly rough day. The beautiful memories of my mom give me extra strength to seek out beautiful things in life. Thinking about my incredibly smart and successful sister who has never given up gives me hope that this will be true for me – I WILL find that new me I am eager to find.

An earlier blog mentioned a grand plan for finding the “new me”. This is the first step in finding the new me – acceptance that no matter how hard I try there are always going to be speed bumps and things that can be upsetting. I need to use these times to learn more about myself, what makes me happy, and grow. I knew that this would not be an easy task to overcome, but I think I may be doing ok.

As a result of the past week’s events, I crossed one of the things off my “steps to finding me” list. I told you in an earlier blog that I would be sharing my progress, and I am happy to report that the first item on my list has been checked off, and I start something that I’ve always wanted to do on October 4, 2012. I couldn’t be happier. The way things fell into place in order to make this a possibility gives me faith that there are many more beautiful things in store for me in the near future – they just might not be what I had originally thought they were. And this is fine. I’m okay with giving up some of those hopes for these hopes.

 

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them.

 ~ Mother Teresa

Making Mom Proud

In the past several days, I have really tried to focus on the positives in life. There are so many small beautiful things that it seems so unfair to let them go unnoticed. Today, I found this to be a really hard thing to do. I woke up telling myself that today was going to be a good day, and that I would work on finding and creating those four positives that I had committed to doing. It just did not seem like this was in the cards for me today.

 

My day started out a little rocky. I wasn’t able to sleep last night after I was shocked by a situation that had occurred earlier in the day…shocked and hurt – not going to sugar coat it. I felt like my feelings had been completely disregarded, which is never a good feeling no matter who is the culprit – a co-worker, a friend, a family member, or just an acquaintance. It hurts all the same. I felt as though this person absolutely disregarded any effects their actions may have had on me.

 

Despite this, I was determined that I was going to try and make the best of my day…that’s what I had decided to do – make the best out of every day. The day was filled with these little reminders of this situation that had hurt so much. Someone else would make a comment about something and it would bring it right back up to the surface. Someone was frustrated with something I was doing to try and help them, and the situation was once again brought back to the forefront of my mind.

 

I continued to try creating these four positives. I couldn’t. How terrible is this of me? I couldn’t do it. I tried really hard, but I just couldn’t. It seemed like one of those days that all of the little things were going to go wrong. And they were.

 

Now, after stewing over this situation that had occurred earlier, I realized one very positive thing – I have the power to change this situation. I do not have to let this add to the negatives that are going to naturally occur.

 

I’m not the best person in the world and I have more flaws than most, but you know what? I deserve the best for me. I deserve to find things that make me happy and things that make me smile. I do not deserve to feel like I’m not important and I am just “on the back burner”. I do not need this in my life, and I cannot tolerate it any more. It’s a sad thing, but it is something that I have to do. I need to do this in order to start my journey to finding the “new me”.

 

So, I came home and I did some things for me. I created some positives even when I didn't think it was possible. I put on my favorite pair of sweatpants - yeah, that felt pretty damn good. I opened a bottle of wine, and I had no intentions of sharing. That felt pretty damn good. I read the book I have been working on. I napped - which I don't frequently get to do. And I decided, I am worth way more than what the situation which occured made me feel. I will never let anyone make me feel this way again. So, even though I tried so hard all day to create four positives, and didn't think it was possible, I eventually did it. And, not only did I do it, I think I found the best positive there was to find out of this situation. I found the empowerment I knew was hiding somewhere deep inside to say, "Hey, this isn't right. I shouldn't be treated this way."

 

I think my mom would be proud.

Finding Me

My journal is carried with me every day in my bag. It plays a huge part of my life. There are sometimes I will pull over on the side of the road and journal something, just because it seems significant enough that I don’t want to miss the opportunity to get the true, raw feelings down on the paper bound in leather. I went through a period where I lost my commitment a little bit. I quickly realized how important journaling is for me, and about three weeks ago, I become more committed to journaling every day again. Once again, it is tucked safely into my bag (well, one of my bags) every day. There is a pen attached so I can start writing at a moment’s notice. The past three weeks has been filled with strange situations, situations that give me anxiety, and situations that make me fearful. In the past, it was always a phone call to mom to talk about these situations. I could talk to her and she would always be able to decipher the issue – whatever weird, crazy, messed up situation I had gotten myself into – and the issue was back into the black and white I sometimes need to figure things out.  So, now my mom is not available to take on this duty for me, and I’ve found that journaling can sometimes help with this task. It’s become even more apparent the past month or so that I have made it a point to journal daily.

 

Today, I knew it would be a “multi-page” journal day from the time it started at 7am. Sometimes, you just get those feelings, but I was right. It was a four page kind of day. After I quickly got all of my thoughts down and into the “black and white” format I sometimes need, something hit me. It hit me hard – I have the mark to prove it. The pattern was so blatantly clear, I don’t know how I couldn’t have seen this before now. Now, I’m sure you all are dying to know what the pattern is…but I’m not going to share that. That’s something that I will work on on my own. However, this pattern really got me thinking, and the thinking is giving me excitement.

 

I’ve had some ups and downs over the past couple of years that have knocked me down a little. Those of you that are close to me are aware of what these are and just how much they have affected me, and continue to affect me. I’ve found my self-esteem has suffered, my faith in people, my ability to trust without leaving a brick wall up. I’ve tried really hard to build myself back up and find me again, but I think I was trying too hard to find the me that was before. I don’t think that me will ever exist again.

 REALIZATION #1 – The me that I was three years ago will never be me again. It’s impossible.Too much has changed.

 

As sad as this realization made me, it also made me really happy. This means I am free to be whatever kind of ‘’me” I want to be. I can like different music. I can like different TV shows. I can sleep on the other side of the bed. I can dance without people judging. I can sing the song that’s been in my heart for years. I can write poetry again. I can paint. I can play my musical instruments. I can be whatever I want to be. Now, I realize that I have tried this throughout the past two years and have been met with quite a bit of resistance. I guess people do not like change. They want things to be the same. But this wasn’t an option for me. There was no way that things could be the same. In the span of two years, I lost two of the most important people in my life to cancer. After seeing all that I had seen, there was no way I could go back to my naïve way of living life. It just wouldn’t work. Not only this, but I lost the love of my life during this period. That hurt a lot. But what hurt worse was the hit my self-esteem took when all this loss occurred, which made finding the new me harder.

 

REALIZATION #2 – As hard as it seems, I need to “get happy” and find things that make me happy in order for me to find the new me.

 

So, here it comes. You’ve been wondering this entire time, “Where is she going with this?” Right? You want to know what I am going to do…. Well, I have a great plan. It’s something that I will be blogging about on a regular basis to keep you all updated on my progress, but I’m not going to share it today. I need to put some things in motion for this to really work, so I will do that and day by day start living out this plan.

 

One thing I learned this week is that in order to build up someone’s self esteem, you have to give them four positives for every negative they encounter. How many negatives do you encounter in a day? Do you get four positives for each of these negatives? Somehow I think it is much harder to find four positives for each negative we are all faced with each day. My advice – go out and seek those positives. Create your own positives. Not only will you be finding your four positives you will be helping other’s find their four positives.

 

As easy as it would be to say – forget this. I have a reason to be angry/upset/frustrated/blah – I’m not going to. That’s not me. I want to get everything I possibly can out of this life and I want to take this chance and make the new me someone amazing.

 

“The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”

A Little Piece of Happiness...

Two years ago, today was a day that marked un-remarkable hope for me after several days of terrifying fear. It was a day that gave me hope. A day that made me feel like there was a chance. The first day in several, I got down on my knees and I thanked God. It was a day that I felt like my heart wasn’t broken into a million pieces, and I wasn’t in a state of constant anxiety, worry. Two years ago today, my mother told me some of the most beautiful things that I will always hold dear to my heart. Some of these things are things that kick my butt up out of bed when I’m feeling kind of down.

Today, two years later, I have experienced events that will forever change my life – things that I wasn’t expecting to happen on this day two years ago. Although, this time of year is always very hard for me, I remembered what today was like two years ago, and it made me smile. It made me find the positives, when sometimes this is very hard for me to do when thinking about this subject.

The thing that I find the easiest to remember and find happiness in was the conversation my mom and I had on this day two years ago. This was the day she was being discharged after having her first round of chemo. The doctor told us he was optimistic, that mom had really handled it all well, and he could see the treatment helping. We sat together in the waiting area of the hospital. Mom and I chatted casually at first – about the weather, about my birthday, and about how she couldn’t wait to have a cigarette. I, of course, gave mom a lecture about quitting smoking – after all the doctor had just diagnosed her with Stage IV cancer, told her he was optimistic about her treatment, and she was going to go smoke a “cancer stick” to celebrate? Mom gave me a smart ass remark back – typical. Then she looked me right in the eye and said, “It doesn’t matter. I’ve lived the fullest life I could have asked for. Your dad and you kids – that’s all anyone could ever need. I’ve lived a full life.” It felt good to hear mom say she was happy, but I of course told her that there are going to be many more happy times ahead for her to look forward to. Mom continued on to tell me how proud she was of me, and all that I had done. Then, she asked me to be there for the family – especially my dad. She said he was going to need me. It meant a lot to me in that moment that my mom had that much faith in me, but again, I just told her that we would all be there for each other.

The days following are not filled with as many opportunities to find happiness and fond memories, so I really hold on to this one tight. It means so much to me, and on days when I feel like things are getting to be too much, I remember this conversation. I can feel some of my strength finding its way back to me.

My mother was such a beautiful, amazing person. It never fails: I can look at a picture of her and remember the crazy things she was doing or saying. I can see something of hers and remember the fun times we had. This is my piece of happiness today: remembering these beautiful words my mom had to say to me, and knowing that she felt happy almost all of the days of her life.

Truth, Tears, and Turning a New Page

It’s been a rough month; but a month that has taught me a lot about myself, and those I choose to surround myself with. I’ve always felt as though I was a good judge of character – it appears this may not be the absolute truth.

A few years ago, I had a revelation of sorts: there just weren’t very many people that I needed to have in my life. It was a hard, sad revelation. Here are these people that I spend the majority of my free time with, and it just didn’t matter that much to me anymore that I had to miss the weekly outing and found myself hitting the ignore button on their calls. My values, hopes, and priorities had all changed – quickly. I thought I had utilized all of these new values and priorities, but it appears some have slipped through the cracks.

I like to think I am a good friend, a good person. I like to think that I try to do as much for others as I can. The hardest thing in the world is not having that reciprocated when needed. A crack in the heart starts to form. My level of trust decreases. My walls start to go up. I start to depend more on myself. The tears come a little more frequently.

After going through this same sort of issues twice now in the past couple of years, it has really started to get me to think…what am I doing? I’m doing all of the same things I was two years ago. No wonder the same thing is happening. I need to make a change; a serious change.

I’ve decided what this change will be and it will be a hard one to make, but I think it will be the best for me in the long run. Now, I just have to have faith that things will work out, and that things will start to turn around, and I do. I do have this faith and I believe in myself.

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”

~Isaiah 40:31

The Cracks

I’ve had the feeling again. It’s the worst feeling I can imagine; it is one I would not wish on anyone – the feeling of my heart breaking. It’s nothing more than the feeling that something is not going to end up the way you hoped it would. It could be finding out the person you were hoping shared the same feelings as you doesn’t; losing someone you hold dear; or something as simple as realizing things just didn’t go as you planned.

I can feel a small crack. It hurts, and to be honest, I don’t really know what I should do about it.

Now, these are the days that I am reminded of the much bigger break in my heart, the one that will always be there and can never be fixed. If that break wasn’t there, my mom could tell me how to fix this crack, but I have to be independent and strong and figure out this crack on my own. I’ve found this isn’t always easy.

Throughout my life, I’ve kind of taken on the role of care-giver. I tend to think that I need to take care of myself and figure things out on my own. I have a really hard time reaching out when these cracks start to form. I wish this was not true about me, but it is (I think this was an inherited trait). Lately, I can feel a couple of cracks, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to say anything. I think things would just be a heck of a lot easier if I did. I think I would be much happier if I did. I just don’t know how.

Now, here is where the issue becomes an issue: how do you reteach a 20-something woman how to ask for help and express her feelings more? How do you teach her how to do more for herself when she spends most of her free time doing for others? What’s the right way to tell others you can’t do it all anymore? I cannot seem to find the answers to these questions, but instead, find myself saying yes to doing more for others.

After several years of turmoil, several years of doubt, and several years of uncertainty, I’m starting to find more of my answers within myself and my faith. Some days it is hard to think about the “good plan” there is from all of this, but more and more each day, I do think there is a “Good Plan” and I just have to trust in this; trust in Him. My mother always told me, “We don’t get anything that we can’t handle.” As much as I don’t really want to, I have started to feel that this is true. I need to go through these things and feel these cracks in order for the plan for me to work out.

In the meantime, I’ve starting working on a couple of things just for me: things that are exciting to me and things that make me happy. I’ve starting working on remembering that even though I may be experiencing these cracks, there are people out there right now that are experiencing breaks. I need to be thankful for all that I have in life, and remember:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

~Isaiah 41:10