Uncertainty

What is it exactly that you want from me?

What is it exactly that you think this could be?

 

I feel confusion and like you just don’t know;

Now I’m feeling unsure of me and it’s a painful blow.

 

I don’t understand what your words and actions mean –

I wish you would be open, honest, and just come clean.

 

I reluctantly bared it all: my heart, my soul –

And all the uncertainty is starting to take its toll.

 

I don’t want to feel any more false hope –

I’m tired of trying to find new ways to cope.

 

 

 

From the archives of many feelings written down. This one was written on a day filled with uncertainty. That's how my day started today. I was confused, upset, and uncertain.

 

Thank goodness for all the of the beautiful, great people in this world who took time out of their busy days and to set aside their problems just for a little while to listen and offer some pretty great advice.

Do It Anyway

What a rough week. No joke. I think this is one of the hardest I’ve had in over two and a half years. I felt really lost and like I was stuck in a rut of negativity. It felt like no matter what I did, there was something negative around the corner. I tried so hard to find something positive, to do good deeds, to be thankful. It was hard to do. I have heard this prayer before, and it’s always been one of my favorites, but my sister sent this to me a couple of days ago (when I really needed to see it again) and it reminded me of many things that I had forgotten this week when I had lost focus on what was most important and got lost in things that were not at all important.

Looking back at the week, I felt that I had been deceived, taken advantage of, lied to, criticized, under-appreciated, and people were discouraging the happiness I was trying to create for myself. I felt like I should just stop it all – stop giving my all, stop helping others, stop going out of my way to do things for others, stop being honest – because it seemed like everyone around me was not doing any of it. At the point when I felt like there was no reason to keep giving 110%, the positives starting filtering their way in. I didn’t notice them at first, maybe because I didn’t want to (sometimes it is easier to just be pissed off). A big positive found its way to me, and immediately I knew that my life and the outcome of my life is 100% up to me. It’s up to me to live my life. People will always take advantage of others, lie to people they say they care about, and try and create issues that do not need exist. People like this will always find their way into our lives – but it does not mean that I have to let it change my life.

I always knew my mom was proud and we had a great relationship, but someone delivered affirmation of this this week in the form of a short story about something that probably seemed quite insignificant to them. The story that was shared made my heart feel warm and complete – the fact that my mom was so happy about something so small. The fact that my mom was so proud over something so little made me smile the biggest smile. I couldn’t stay mad. I couldn’t give up. I could, however, make some changes – and I will.

To those who have not been 100% honest with me the past couple of weeks, I will continue to be honest with you and I will continue to treat you with all of the respect each human deserves. I will try to think about the situation you were in that made you feel it was necessary to not be honest with me. I will look at ways to improve myself to be more approachable so that one doesn’t feel as though it is necessary to lie or omit pieces of what is going on. I will pray that someday you share the complete truth with me about the situation and that you are able to find the truth behind the situation.

To those who have shared information with others that was not true – I am going to continue to work hard on creating a beautiful new me and I will not let these untrue words affect this. I will also try my hardest to help you in your quest to finding the beautiful you that you are seeking. I will continue to work on building all those around me up higher by creating the positives we all need in our day to overcome the inevitable negatives that we encounter in our day to day lives. I will do my best to help you find your way.

To those who have not felt as though I have given my all – I will continue working harder and harder every day to do just that – give my all. Give it more than my all, give it 110%. I will look to you for help in ways to continue to grow and become better and better able to give my all.

To those who have forgotten the good that is done for us on a daily basis – I pray that we are able to continue to see the good that is given to us each day and to hold onto this good and use it grow and be inspired to share this good with other who may need it more than we do at that moment. Remember we should all “Be Kind, Everyone is fighter is harder battle.”

And to those of you who have been there for me – sending inspiring words, meeting for coffee to talk about things going on in my life, finding time to meet with me and talk about things that were bothersome, taking the time out of your day to jot down a note to share good words, calling late at night to check in and offer your advice, sharing a seemingly insignificant story – thank you. I will continue to work as hard as I can to live by the words of St. Teresa’s prayer and continue to do as much good and spread this good as far as I am able.

And most importantly – to those people in my life who taught me what was most important in life, thank you. The words my dad share with me on a daily basis building me back up after a particularly rough day. The beautiful memories of my mom give me extra strength to seek out beautiful things in life. Thinking about my incredibly smart and successful sister who has never given up gives me hope that this will be true for me – I WILL find that new me I am eager to find.

An earlier blog mentioned a grand plan for finding the “new me”. This is the first step in finding the new me – acceptance that no matter how hard I try there are always going to be speed bumps and things that can be upsetting. I need to use these times to learn more about myself, what makes me happy, and grow. I knew that this would not be an easy task to overcome, but I think I may be doing ok.

As a result of the past week’s events, I crossed one of the things off my “steps to finding me” list. I told you in an earlier blog that I would be sharing my progress, and I am happy to report that the first item on my list has been checked off, and I start something that I’ve always wanted to do on October 4, 2012. I couldn’t be happier. The way things fell into place in order to make this a possibility gives me faith that there are many more beautiful things in store for me in the near future – they just might not be what I had originally thought they were. And this is fine. I’m okay with giving up some of those hopes for these hopes.

 

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them.

 ~ Mother Teresa

Making Mom Proud

In the past several days, I have really tried to focus on the positives in life. There are so many small beautiful things that it seems so unfair to let them go unnoticed. Today, I found this to be a really hard thing to do. I woke up telling myself that today was going to be a good day, and that I would work on finding and creating those four positives that I had committed to doing. It just did not seem like this was in the cards for me today.

 

My day started out a little rocky. I wasn’t able to sleep last night after I was shocked by a situation that had occurred earlier in the day…shocked and hurt – not going to sugar coat it. I felt like my feelings had been completely disregarded, which is never a good feeling no matter who is the culprit – a co-worker, a friend, a family member, or just an acquaintance. It hurts all the same. I felt as though this person absolutely disregarded any effects their actions may have had on me.

 

Despite this, I was determined that I was going to try and make the best of my day…that’s what I had decided to do – make the best out of every day. The day was filled with these little reminders of this situation that had hurt so much. Someone else would make a comment about something and it would bring it right back up to the surface. Someone was frustrated with something I was doing to try and help them, and the situation was once again brought back to the forefront of my mind.

 

I continued to try creating these four positives. I couldn’t. How terrible is this of me? I couldn’t do it. I tried really hard, but I just couldn’t. It seemed like one of those days that all of the little things were going to go wrong. And they were.

 

Now, after stewing over this situation that had occurred earlier, I realized one very positive thing – I have the power to change this situation. I do not have to let this add to the negatives that are going to naturally occur.

 

I’m not the best person in the world and I have more flaws than most, but you know what? I deserve the best for me. I deserve to find things that make me happy and things that make me smile. I do not deserve to feel like I’m not important and I am just “on the back burner”. I do not need this in my life, and I cannot tolerate it any more. It’s a sad thing, but it is something that I have to do. I need to do this in order to start my journey to finding the “new me”.

 

So, I came home and I did some things for me. I created some positives even when I didn't think it was possible. I put on my favorite pair of sweatpants - yeah, that felt pretty damn good. I opened a bottle of wine, and I had no intentions of sharing. That felt pretty damn good. I read the book I have been working on. I napped - which I don't frequently get to do. And I decided, I am worth way more than what the situation which occured made me feel. I will never let anyone make me feel this way again. So, even though I tried so hard all day to create four positives, and didn't think it was possible, I eventually did it. And, not only did I do it, I think I found the best positive there was to find out of this situation. I found the empowerment I knew was hiding somewhere deep inside to say, "Hey, this isn't right. I shouldn't be treated this way."

 

I think my mom would be proud.

Finding Me

My journal is carried with me every day in my bag. It plays a huge part of my life. There are sometimes I will pull over on the side of the road and journal something, just because it seems significant enough that I don’t want to miss the opportunity to get the true, raw feelings down on the paper bound in leather. I went through a period where I lost my commitment a little bit. I quickly realized how important journaling is for me, and about three weeks ago, I become more committed to journaling every day again. Once again, it is tucked safely into my bag (well, one of my bags) every day. There is a pen attached so I can start writing at a moment’s notice. The past three weeks has been filled with strange situations, situations that give me anxiety, and situations that make me fearful. In the past, it was always a phone call to mom to talk about these situations. I could talk to her and she would always be able to decipher the issue – whatever weird, crazy, messed up situation I had gotten myself into – and the issue was back into the black and white I sometimes need to figure things out.  So, now my mom is not available to take on this duty for me, and I’ve found that journaling can sometimes help with this task. It’s become even more apparent the past month or so that I have made it a point to journal daily.

 

Today, I knew it would be a “multi-page” journal day from the time it started at 7am. Sometimes, you just get those feelings, but I was right. It was a four page kind of day. After I quickly got all of my thoughts down and into the “black and white” format I sometimes need, something hit me. It hit me hard – I have the mark to prove it. The pattern was so blatantly clear, I don’t know how I couldn’t have seen this before now. Now, I’m sure you all are dying to know what the pattern is…but I’m not going to share that. That’s something that I will work on on my own. However, this pattern really got me thinking, and the thinking is giving me excitement.

 

I’ve had some ups and downs over the past couple of years that have knocked me down a little. Those of you that are close to me are aware of what these are and just how much they have affected me, and continue to affect me. I’ve found my self-esteem has suffered, my faith in people, my ability to trust without leaving a brick wall up. I’ve tried really hard to build myself back up and find me again, but I think I was trying too hard to find the me that was before. I don’t think that me will ever exist again.

 REALIZATION #1 – The me that I was three years ago will never be me again. It’s impossible.Too much has changed.

 

As sad as this realization made me, it also made me really happy. This means I am free to be whatever kind of ‘’me” I want to be. I can like different music. I can like different TV shows. I can sleep on the other side of the bed. I can dance without people judging. I can sing the song that’s been in my heart for years. I can write poetry again. I can paint. I can play my musical instruments. I can be whatever I want to be. Now, I realize that I have tried this throughout the past two years and have been met with quite a bit of resistance. I guess people do not like change. They want things to be the same. But this wasn’t an option for me. There was no way that things could be the same. In the span of two years, I lost two of the most important people in my life to cancer. After seeing all that I had seen, there was no way I could go back to my naïve way of living life. It just wouldn’t work. Not only this, but I lost the love of my life during this period. That hurt a lot. But what hurt worse was the hit my self-esteem took when all this loss occurred, which made finding the new me harder.

 

REALIZATION #2 – As hard as it seems, I need to “get happy” and find things that make me happy in order for me to find the new me.

 

So, here it comes. You’ve been wondering this entire time, “Where is she going with this?” Right? You want to know what I am going to do…. Well, I have a great plan. It’s something that I will be blogging about on a regular basis to keep you all updated on my progress, but I’m not going to share it today. I need to put some things in motion for this to really work, so I will do that and day by day start living out this plan.

 

One thing I learned this week is that in order to build up someone’s self esteem, you have to give them four positives for every negative they encounter. How many negatives do you encounter in a day? Do you get four positives for each of these negatives? Somehow I think it is much harder to find four positives for each negative we are all faced with each day. My advice – go out and seek those positives. Create your own positives. Not only will you be finding your four positives you will be helping other’s find their four positives.

 

As easy as it would be to say – forget this. I have a reason to be angry/upset/frustrated/blah – I’m not going to. That’s not me. I want to get everything I possibly can out of this life and I want to take this chance and make the new me someone amazing.

 

“The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”