I just wanted a toy...

            So, just for the heck of it, Chad and I were walking through all of Walmart, when all we really needed was hamburger. Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t unusual, and it usually ends up being quite entertaining, as it was this evening. We started out walking by the greeter, and made some smart a$$ remark. We continued the ritual with Chad looking for a “good cart” utilizing his “rusty screw” method. Then we walk past the seasonal stuff, the cooking stuff, and then comes the toys. Mind you, we are both grown adults, but we always go through the toy aisles. I had the idea in my head that I wanted Legos. This is idea led to a shocking revelation. Toys now suck.

            What the heck? They want me to pay $50 to build a pineapple from under the sea with like 80 legos? I think not! So, I thought the next best thing would have to be Kinex. Um, yeah. Not such a good idea. The price tag said $40 for a small Kinex kit. Then I saw the Lincoln Logs. Heck yes! Lincoln Logs rock! Again, another disappointment -- $30 for Lincoln Logs. I don’t think so. I got frustrated and requested we move out of this aisle and into the next toy aisle. There had to be something better down the next aisle.

            Now, this may sound ridiculous, but I have been waiting for the puppy Zhu Zhu pets. Everywhere I go they have outfits and toys and empty spots for the puppy Zhu Zhu pets, but there are none in sight. I approached the Zhu Zhu pet section, my hopes rising, my anticipation building. There were no puppies. The disappointment set in. How can they keep me waiting like this? I just want a darn puppy Zhu Zhu pet. Put the darn things out already people. In the middle of my bout of disappointment I see they have ROCK STAR Zhu Zhu pets; in particular one with a pink Mohawk. Oh yes! That will do until the puppies are available. I searched through the stacks of Rock Star Zhu Zhu pets….and scored one with a pink Mohawk. I got it off the rack. The damn thing did not work. The only Zhu Zhu with a pink Mohawk and it didn’t work. There were no cute sounds coming from it when I pressed its cute nose. Gosh darn it!

            My disappointment was slowly fading as we approached the “My Little Pony” section just a little further up the aisle. I love My Little Pony. Life would soon be better, and my faith in toys would be renewed! Yeah, that did not happen. They now make My Little Pony look like My Little Seahorses. They have the most ridiculous faces I’ve ever seen. Again, I don’t think so. You can keep you’re my Little Seahorses, Walmart. What else would be left for me?

            A creepy baby is what’s left. Every time we walk by this creepy motion activated baby, it crawls and says something creepy and cryptic. It scares the living bejeebers out of me each time we go by it. Kids shouldn’t play with babies like that.

            That’s when I realized, toys really do kind of suck now. I wish I would have played more with the great toys we had when I was a kid. We had good toys. They didn’t creep me out, cost an arm and a leg, or break before you even get it home. They were fun and reliable. I wish I would have kept some of those things. I wouldn’t be contemplating spending $60 on a small, basic Lego set. Darn toys….

            The trip to Walmart wasn’t a complete wash. We got our hamburger (and tons of other good stuff) and my trip was saved by finding some pretty kick butt shirts on clearance for like $3, but I didn’t get any toys….

5 Seconds of Silence...

            After an interesting week, I was able to do something that I truly enjoy, and it really gave me a comfort; peace of mind. I’m so thankful for the experience. It was actually quite a moving experience, and I thought I would share it; and share the message to do the things you enjoy and take the time to smile, because these things will block out the negative trying to break its way in.

            Just some background information, I love music. I love to listen to music. I love to create music. I especially love to sing. Music has always been something that soothes me and brings me to a special place. It’s like it’s a place just for me; a happy place. It is a place where I do not have to worry about everything going on around me – there’s just music and the emotion it creates within me.  I thank my mom and dad for this. They always encouraged participation in choir and band. They cheered me on when I entered competitions. They put up with the awkward sounds of a student learning to play a new instrument. They did not complain when I was singing in the car (or my room, or the shower, or every other room in the house).  

            Now….my brother was another story. He used to always ask, “Who sings this song?” and when I would answer with the artist, he would say, “Well, let’s keep it that way.” He was always complaining about the singing. He told me numerous times I sucked and wasn’t good at it. Back in the old days, I took it too seriously. Now I know it was just my brother being my brother, but back then I did not really realize that. Then, there were a couple of “dumb boys” growing up that said some of the same things my brother did. These statements left me self-conscious of my ability and for many years after this, I only did it in private. I would only sing in my car and occasionally in my shower. I oppressed the one thing that made me the happiest.

            It was about 5 years ago when someone kind of “coerced” me into singing in front of everyone. They signed me up to sing a song during karaoke. I was mortified, but I got up there and sang, and it felt good. Best of all, no one booed me. Phew. That was a huge relief. And it opened a door. I found my suppressed passion for singing. This passion was greatly increased about 18 months ago when a good friend started hosting karaoke each week at a favorite local pub. She encouraged me to try new things. I found myself looking forward to this each week. It was my release. I could pick the songs that best fit what was going on and what would make me feel better. This was a great therapy for about 6 months. Then my life was turned upside down and I stopped participating. I lost my passion.

            Last night, I went to karaoke. It was a small, small town tavern; my favorite karaoke environment. The establishment was busy. There was a lot of noise – a lot of people interested in singing. Perfect night and setting for karaoke. I had to wait about 25 minutes for my turn. But I got up there. It was one of my favorite songs to sing. A song by an artist that my dad really liked, and introduced to me; a song that makes me feel. I got that feeling in my stomach that I always got…kind of jittery, butterflies flying around. The music started, however, and that all went away. I started singing, and, all of a sudden, the bar went completely quiet. I thought I was sucking it up. I thought the microphone was squealing. Moments ago, the bar was filled with noisy patrons yelling, laughing, and talking over each other. Now it was quiet. I just kept going. Pretty soon, there were people singing along; people dancing. At the end of the song, there were yells, cheers, and people trying to give high fives. That’s when I realized, that moment of silence was all of those people enjoying what I was enjoying – the music and the emotion that I was putting into the music.

            I think that five seconds of silence was the best feeling I’ve felt in a while. It was five seconds of me connecting with my soul, connecting with my mom, connecting with my dad, connecting with all of the emotion in my heart, and connecting with a room full of strangers. I need that 5 seconds more often. It really made me put all of the negative away in a compartment that I still haven’t found more than 24 hours later. The silence gave me the connection I needed at that moment – with my mom and my family and me.

Letting The Sunlight Shine Through

I really wanted to blog today, but I started, and it seems like all that’s been on my mind lately has been negative. I’m starting to feel like the negative is outnumbering the positive; that the darkness is blocking out the sunlight. I don’t like that. That’s not me. I’ve always tried to find positives in every situation, even when it doesn’t seem like there could be a positive. So, what the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to be able to do this?

            My week started out with the flu or equally disgusting ailment. It was totally debilitating. I wasn’t even able to walk the ten feet from my bed to the bathroom without causing extreme discomfort. Every muscle and bone in my body ached. I did not think it could have gotten any worse.

            Then I had another equally disgusting day today. I honestly do not think some people fully understand the pain their words can cause. Something small and seemingly insignificant can really impact a person’s life, emotions, well being, and feelings of self-worth. Even things said that one might think another party will never hear usually get back to the other person. This seems to make it even worse. It makes it hurt that much more to know that someone thinks it is okay to say such negative things about someone behind their back.

            The world just seems to be filled with some much negative these days. It seems as though people have forgotten to look for the positive things; to enjoy the happy moments in life. When one puts so much focus on the negative, the sunlight is blocked by the darkness.

            After thinking about this, I thought about the positives that have come from these negatives. Yes, I was sick, and it really was not fun. I would have rather not have had that experience, however, there was some positive that came from this. I learned that not everyone is the same. Even though I have had some bad experiences in the past, there are people out there that care enough to stay with me when I’m sick, get me water when I run out, and make me do stuff I do not enjoy (like drink Pedialyte) because they want you to feel better. It also gave me a day to slow down and catch up on my sleep, which I think I really needed. I have been thinking about so many things and constantly on the go, that it was very nice to be able to just stay in bed for a day and concentrate on me. I also realized that there are people who are willing to help last minute. I can make a phone call at 6:30 in the morning and there is someone there, willing to help me out; even when her day got rough, she still told me to stay home and rest and take care of me. I had forgotten that there are people like this in my world, and I am truly thankful to have been reminded of this.

            No, I really do not like to hear some of these things that other people are saying; I really do not like the negative environment it has put me in. However, I realize that just because there is this one area of negativity in my life, there are areas that are no so negative. There are places where I am appreciated and people are thankful to have me there. And again, in this situation, there are people who care and are willing to help and listen. And for that I am grateful. 

Where Did All The Spunk Go?

                *DISCLAIMER* This blog is going to be a very personal blog. It’s pretty emotional. It may not be for everyone. I will not be offended if you chose not to read this, but it seems as though the past few blog posts I’ve completed that have tapped into the emotional issues have really helped make me feel better, and these days I need that. I need to find comfort every which way I can.

            Friday was my mom’s birthday. In a month, it will be year since mom passed away. I’ve flooded with all kinds of new emotions and feelings that I’ve never felt before. I’ve felt depressed before, like when I moved out and got home sick, or when I found out a boyfriend was cheating. This is completely different. I don’t even know if the words to describe it are in my vocabulary. I wake up every day thinking about mom and feeling sad. I’ve never lived this feeling for this long before.

            I also have a very hard time talking about this emotion. I think I attribute it to an experience I had not long after mom passed away. I had confided in a very good friend that I was depressed. That friend told me “there is no such thing as depression” and stated “your mom wouldn’t want you to talk like this.” This I think has kept me from confiding in others and discussing these feelings, which in turn has made things worse. Just recently I have been able to start talking about these feelings again. There are a couple of great people who have been willing to listen and not judge me for how I’m feeling. It’s felt good to talk about things, but I’m still not fully able to discuss everything.

            The one thing that I have the hardest time discussing is the fact that I feel an immense feeling of guilt about the situation with my mom. I feel like I am partially responsible for the way things happened with my mom. I feel as though I should have seen what was going on sooner. Why didn’t I notice that mom was losing weight everywhere but her stomach? Why didn’t I notice she wasn’t eating? Why didn’t I notice she was sleeping more? Complaining of pain more? Why didn’t I notice the jaundice? I work with health related issues every single day, and I did nothing to help my mom. I was the one who encouraged mom to get the chemo treatment the doctor was recommending. She did necessarily want to. If I hadn’t have done that, would things be different now? I feel guilty for not fully accepting the situation with mom and what was happening and being in denial. I didn’t talk to her about what she wanted. I had no idea if she would have wanted to be hooked up to all those machines. I had no idea what she would have wanted for her memorial service. I have no idea about what she would want for us all now. I should have gotten past the denial in thinking that she would pull through and talk to her about these things. I feel guilty that I didn’t spend as much time at home with her and my family as I had in the past. Instead, I opted to spend more time with my boyfriend at the time and “friends” that opted to leave my life moments after my mom died. I feel guilty that I wasn’t there more for my family; my dad, my sister, my brother; after mom died. I was so consumed with my own guilt and grief I forgot to be there for them.  Mostly, I’m guilty I have not lived up to my full potential like my mom would want me to. I’ve given up too easily on things in life. I haven’t fought hard enough. I feel guilty I have let her down.

            The other thing I seem to be struggling with is the fact that there is so much unknown. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. This past year has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions; I had the feeling unsure, uncertain. I never know how I will feel when the alarm goes off. I feel like I’ve lost my spunk, my color, my vibe. I want it back, but the uncertainty keeps me from finding it. I don’t know if this is normal. Is it normal to be so upset a year after this tragedy? Am I the only one who is still struggling with this loss this much? Where is the damn instruction manual for this?

            I also wish I would talk to my family more about this, but I am scared to death that if or when I do, I am making them feel bad. I am ruining their day. I’m taking the sunshine out of their day. I feel as though the dynamics of my family have completely changed, and I feel this is largely due to the fact that I’m too afraid to go home and feel the overwhelming sense of sadness when I see mom’s shirts hanging in her closet and cry in front of others. I’m afraid seeing her car parked in the driveway buried in snow will cause anxiety that will affect my family. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to try and be brave for everyone, and in this process I lose me and my feelings. I don’t let myself fully feel in fear of what it might do to others.

            I feel the guiltiest about not going to see mom more. Every time I’m home, I intend to go see her, and I don’t. Why? Sometimes I don’t know what to say to her and sometimes feel it is because of the guilt I feel. I know I don’t actually have to be where she is to be with her, to feel her, but I feel guilty I don’t do it more often.

            So, now what? What do I do to get over all this and find my spunk? I want my spunk back. I want the spunk that my mom had. I want to live life that my mom would want me to, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do that. I do have to say, again, that I am extremely thankful for my family and two other people (CL and RW) who have been there for me to talk about this, and try and help me find this spunk again. I am forever grateful and don’t really know how I can repay these two.

            I guess until I figure out what to do to find that spunk, I will take life day by day and do whatever I can to add a little more fun to each day until it becomes easier and easier. I also had the first conversation with my dad about this subject. He randomly called the other day. We talked. We cried. I really made me feel better. I have decided I am going to do this more often and talk with my family about what’s happening. It really made me feel better – like I wasn’t alone. **DISCLAIMER** Look for more spunk to come. It is slowly coming back.

Holes

As I got myself out of bed this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t recognize me. Who was this woman staring back at me? Who was this woman with dark circles under her eyes from crying the night before and tossing and turning all night? I can see in my own eyes that there is a hole in my heart, in my soul. Who is this woman?

                Some days I really honestly do not know who I am any more. I think back to times where I remember that the happy days outnumbered the sad ones. The days that I could call my mom and even when I was sad, she would make me smile and make the pain go away; she would wipe away the tears. Even when I think about the times that she made me mad or said something I really didn’t want to hear, it didn’t matter. Now it is still a good memory. I wish I had more days ahead where I knew she would lecture me about something: finishing my degree, coming home more often, or taking my vitamins. There won’t be any new memories like this. This is where the dark circles under my eyes and the hole in my heart come from. Just knowing there won’t be any more new memories.

                I do really try and grab on to the memories; grab onto the positives in life, because there are some very positive things in my life right now. Some days, the dark circles make it hard to see those positive things. It makes it hard to remember the amazing things that will be coming my way. It’s just plain hard.

                Many days I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t be normal to feel like this, can it? It’s been almost a year, and some days it hurts just as much as it did the day she died. How is this possible? I thought someone told me that time heals everything. It ain’t healing this. Most days, I do not know how to cope with the emotions surfacing. I find it hard to talk to people about these emotions, as I am afraid that it is a burden to them. I even find myself hiding what I’m feeling from my family. I know bottling this all up cannot be good, but I don’t know how to un-bottle it. My mom always said I was “the caregiver”. That I always worried too much about others and not enough about myself. She may be right. But after 27 years of bottling it up, I’m having a really hard time finding a way to get it out.

                Today was a bad day. It just was. I don’t really have a reason. Perhaps it is from the stress of a situation which has been unfolding over the last two weeks.  Perhaps it stems from missing my family. Perhaps it is just one of those days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I don’t know. It was just hard. I wished I could just lay in bed all day and close my eyes – keep the rest of the world out. That did not happen. Unfortunately. So, now what? I guess for now, I will just blog about it. Isn’t it odd that I have such a hard time talking to others about how I’m feeling, but I am okay with posting my deepest thoughts and feelings on a public blog? Mom always said I was “special” and “different”. Perhaps this is what she meant.

Holding On To All The Little Things...

Yesterday was mom's birthday. I struggled all day with what was the most appropriate thing to do to remember her and celebrate her life. I couldn't really come up with anything. I was tempted to get a new tattoo, but what would it be of? I thought about getting a piercing, but what would that show? I thought about getting a birthday cake, but then the thought of getting a birthday cake and not having her here to share it with made me more sad than I was before. I struggled with the temptation of driving 2 and a half hours in the middle of the night to see her. To visit her. To talk to her. I don't think I would have made the drive without falling asleep.

I had an unpleasant experience and I think I had all but given up on finding the best way to remember, and the best way to celebrate my mom's life and her beautiful spirit. Then, I found just exactly what I needed. Tucked away in a little store in the Mall of America. It was exactly what I needed. It's amazing how something so little can mean so much. This does. It's something I can keep close to my heart every day and remember my mom.

This is a short blog, I know, but I think simple is best today. I guess the point that I wanted to get across is the fact that the smallest object can sometimes mean the most. I found that small, meaningful token and I am thankful for that.

Big Mac at Midnight...

            I just ate a Big Mac at midnight…that is never a good sign. It usually means I’m upset or frustrated or sad. I think today, I am all of these things, because not only did I eat a Big Mac at midnight, I ate a large fry too. Did it help? No, it most certainly did not. Now I feel as though I am going to vomit. It gurgles around like nastiness in my stomach.

            Well, now it is officially January 21, 2011. It would have been my mom’s birthday. I honestly do not know how to handle the feelings this day is bringing, and it’s only been minutes into the day. On Sunday, dad called. He asked how I was doing. Instead of answering, I started crying. He knew. I asked him how I was going to get through today. He didn’t know. I don’t know if anyone knows. It makes me wonder what some of the other dates coming up will feel like.

            I miss my mom more than I can verbalize; more than I can try and express in writing. She was my best friend. She was always my rock. She always knew exactly what to say. I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss the way her eyes would twinkle when she was feeling mischievous. I miss watching her enjoy the simple things in life, such as sitting on the patio with a cat in her lap watching the dog play, or walking around looking at her garden. She was such a beautiful woman. I miss her beauty. I miss her strength.

            I think the biggest thing that is upsetting to me about today is the fact that I will most likely not be able to go and visit her today. I would love more than anything just to go there, bring her some flowers; to be able to just talk to her. It hurts to not be able to see her today. I want to see her today.

            On the way home tonight, I was listening to a CD I made in early March. Song #1: “She’s a Rainbow” by The Rolling Stones. I thought about mom’s life and how it was remembered and cherished by so many. I thought about how colorful mom was. I found myself crying. I found myself smiling.

I ate turkey and mashed potatoes for dinner today at work. I found myself remembering all the times mom would make a big turkey dinner just because I was coming home for the weekend.

Today, I was at Target. I saw the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. I immediately thought about how much mom would love them.

            I’m trying to find comfort in this time of sadness; anger; hurt. I wish I had one of her crazy Hawaiian shirts to look at, hold. I wish I had some of her favorite body spray to smell. I wish I had some of that turkey she would always make. I wish I had something to hold onto to remember my mom; to remember her smile, her laughter, her good spirit.

            I wish I had more to say, but my mind is focused completely on missing mom today. Hopefully it will be a good day, and I can think about the positives more than thinking about the bad things.

Happy Birthday Mom. I haven’t forgotten. I will never forget.

The Soundtrack of My Life

I had kind of a rough week. I know, it’s only Wednesday, but its been a rough week. It seems that with each new day brings new frustrations and new reasons to feel like crap. I think I have cried already seven times since the week started Sunday. This isn’t me…I don’t know what the heck is going on.

I tried to write yesterday, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t write. I felt like I was back in February again – stuck without a creative outlet. Everything I wanted to say was stuck inside and I couldn’t get it out. My feelings have been stuck inside and I couldn’t get them out. I hate that feeling.

I was in the car driving today, which I have been doing a lot. I found a HUGE stack of CDs in my car. Good CDs. I was pretty excited. I put the first one in and found my favorite song. I sang along at the top of my lungs. I didn’t even listen to the entire CD before I took it out to put another one in. I sang that one at the top of my lungs and through tears. This repeated several times. Then, I realized I felt better. I had gotten all of those bottled up emotions out through the music.

Music has always been my saving grace. I have a song to listen to for each emotion; a song for each memory; a song for each day. I started putting together the list; the soundtrack of my life.

“Where Do The Children Play?”

            One of my first memories of music as a child was listening to my mom and dad’s old records on an old record player. I had my favorite, Cat Stevens’ “Tea for the Tillerman”. I remember dad teaching me how to put the album on the player and how to find the song that I wanted to hear. I remember turning the record player up loud and the crackling in the background.

            Most of what I listened to as a child was on the record player. I didn’t have a CD player until I was about 15 years old. All of my friends were listening to their new CD’s and I was still putzing around with the old record player listening to what my mom and dad had listened to in the earlier days.

            I think the track I would choose for my soundtrack to represent my early childhood days would be “Where Do The Children Play?” by Cat Stevens. The lyrics of this song still speak to me. I think when I was a kid it was more the sound of the music itself, but now the words of the songs speak.

“Well, you've cracked the sky.

'Scrapers fill the air,

But will you keep on buildin' higher

'Til there's no more room up there?

Will you make us laugh?

Will you make us cry?

Will you tell us when to live?

Will you tell us when to die?”

A Little Bit of Spice

            A few years later, while sharing a room with my sister, we graduated to the tape player. One of my favorite cassette tapes from this time was “Spice” by the Spice Girls. My sister and I would sing along to all the songs, like “Wanna Be”, “2 Become 1” and “Goodbye”. Again, the music was catchy and I enjoyed singing to the songs along with my sister. These songs all remind me of the simpler times. The times I wish I could have back: the fun with my sister, the small arguments about her crossing into my side of the room, and her constantly asking me to play Barbie with her. I really miss those days. I wish I would have played more Barbie with her and I wish I would have jumped on the bed more.

“Just a little girl,

Big imagination,

Never letting no one take it away.

Went into the world, (into the world)

What a revelation.

She found there's a better way for you and me to be”

“Does Anyone Care?”

            As I entered my teens, or what my parents called the “Darlene Phase”, my dad started introducing me to music not necessarily listened to a lot on the mainstream at the time. I really enjoyed artists such as Mazzy Star, Natalie Merchant, and The Cranberries.

            After hearing the first Cranberries CD, I was immediately made into a lifelong fan. The Cranberries and other artists I started listening to at this time really started speaking to me. I think this is when I realized that music is more than notes and words. Together they mean something. Separate they mean something. They just mean something.

            Music was an important part of my life from this point forward. It helped me through a lot. It continues helping me through rough patches, and happy patches alike. No matter what kind of day I have, I can get in my car, put in a CD, crank it up as loud as my eardrums will allow, and it’s like magic: my mood is improved, or I become even more happy than I was before.

“Unhappiness:

Where's when I was young,

And we didn't give a damn,

'Cause we were raised,

To see life as fun and take it if we can.

My mother, my mother,

She’d hold me, she’d hold me, when I was out there.

My father, my father,

He liked me, oh, he liked me. Does anyone care?”

Music Through Tragedy

            This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. More than ever, I have turned to music. I’ve used songs to try and remember things, people. I’ve used music to cheer me up. I’ve used music to bring me back into the now when I seem to be dwelling on the past or stuck on the “what ifs”.

            I find myself having a bad day and turning on the radio and the day immediately improved. I feel better. I can find just the right song to put me exactly where I need to be. I feeling very blessed to have this simple pleasure that can do so much for me. Truly, I feel blessed for having parents that supported and encouraged this love for music and encouraged having the radio on.

            My love for music is an unbreakable connection I have with my mom. No matter where I am, how bad of a day I’m having, or how sad I feel: I can always find the connection with my mom I’m looking for by finding the right track on the soundtrack of my life.

“She comes in colors ev'rywhere;

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

She comes in colors ev'rywhere;

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

Have you seen her dressed in blue?

See the sky in front of you

And her face is lik a sail

Speck of white so fair and pale

Have you seen a lady fairer?

She comes in colors ev'rywhere;

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

Have you seen her all in gold?

Like a queen in days of old

She shoots her colors all around

Like a sunset going down

Have you seen a lady fairer?

She comes in colors ev'rywhere;

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors”

“She’s A Rainbow” by The Rolling Stones

A Chapter From Dad's Little Book of Instructions...

“Life doesn't come with an instruction book; that's why we have fathers.”
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Last night, I was able to prove this is true. I didn’t have an instruction book for what I was going through, so I talked to my dad. And he knew exactly what to say. I have been having a really hard time dealing with some of the upcoming milestones. These milestones that I normally celebrate and enjoy are causing great levels of anxiety and stress.

My mom’s birthday is Friday. I’m going to miss her more than I do on a normal day that day. I’m going to miss the cake and teasing about her “being over the hill” like we’ve done every other year for the past several years. I remember when she turned 40. We got her chocolate cupcakes with black frosting. We all thought it was hilarious until the frosting turned out mouths black and we weren’t able to get rid of it for the rest of the day. Mom sure had the last laugh there. I remember all of the other years when mom would do what we all wanted to do for her birthday. It wasn’t about her or what she wanted, it was about us all being together and having a good time together. That was her. Finding the humor in everything and unselfishly loving us all.

February is a month full of milestones – old and new alike.  In February is my birthday. It was a day I always looked forward to, a day my mom always made special. With a surprise birthday cake that I always loved, going out to dinner with the entire family, and just spending time together enjoying it all. It was always a month I look forward to. However, last year, February offered many new milestones – ones that I wish I did not need to have. Milestones I wish I was not reminded of.

February 8, 2010: I called home to talk to my mom. The house phone was busy. I called my sisters phone. She said, “Have you talked to dad yet?” I asked her why. She wouldn’t answer. She told me to call dad’s cell phone. I could hear in her voice there was something wrong. I called dad’s cell phone. He told me that Mom had her annual appointment, and they got some bad news. Mom might have cancer.

February 11, 2010: My birthday. Mom had an appointment to have some more tests done. She was going to have a liver biopsy. This was one of my first birthdays in a long time I didn’t spend at home with my family. I asked mom if she wanted me to be there with her while she had her test. She said no, go out and have fun. I didn’t go home. I kind of regret it now. I was I had gone home. We talked after she had her test. She was so out of it, she forgot to say “Happy Birthday”. I was worried more at this point than I had been before. We went home the next day and we all went out to dinner. Mom got sick after dinner. My worry doubled.

February 17, 2010: I went with mom and dad to mom’s oncology appointment in St. Cloud. I was in an overwhelming state of anxiety. The day seemed to start out poorly, and I almost didn’t go. I’m so glad that I went. Mom saw the oncologist and we found out mom had cancer. Terminal cancer. Mom was given a technical diagnosis of Stage IV Ovarian Cancer which had metastasized to her liver. The doctor could not give us any information about how long mom had, or what the chances are that the proposed treatment would help. All I heard was “There is a lot of disease” and “eventually this disease will kill you.” He discussed his plan for treatment, which consisted of admitting mom to the hospital and giving her an aggressive dose of chemo therapy.

February 18, 2010: Mom had her first round of chemo therapy. I stayed with mom in the hospital all day that day. We talked about so many things, things that I hold dear to my heart now. Memories. They were going to keep mom overnight, but were hopeful that she would get to go home the next day. She handled the chemo well.

February 19, 2010: Mom got to go home! The doctor said that she had handled the chemo well, and he was optimistic that she would continue to respond to the treatments well. The anxiety levels were reduced some. I could breathe (kind of) again. Mom was excited too. She couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital. She vocalized that several time.

February 23, 2010: Mom went back to the hospital. I met mom and dad there. They were going to admit mom again. She was extremely dehydrated. Her white count was at a rock bottom. The doctors remained optimistic. Her condition continued to deteriorate on a daily basis.

February 26, 2010: Mom passed away. This had to have been the hardest day of my life thus far. To hear someone say those two words “she’s gone”, like it didn’t mean anything. I honestly think I felt a part of my heart break away that day, and since then there has been a dull ache where the missing part used to be.

So, in a month that I used to enjoy are now filled full of milestones that I wish weren’t there. Full of milestones that when I think about them make me want to cry. Full of milestones that make me my miss my mom that much more than I do on any other day. It now makes this month full of milestones that I do not know how to handle.

The past couple of days, maybe weeks, I have felt a little more down than normal. I don’t want to do as much as I normally would. I would rather stay in, on my couch, watching TV than going out with friends like I usually find joy in doing. I find myself cuddled up in my bed in the middle of the afternoon more than I normally do. I cannot sleep at night. My mind thinks of these upcoming milestones and I don’t know what to do.

Last night a simple phone call from my dad helped it all. He called and asked what was going on. I explained to him some situations that were frustrating me. Then he said, “And what else?” like he knew there was more than what I was just telling him. So, I told him. I told him I was having a hard time thinking about the next couple of months because of all these new milestones in my life. He listened, and he gave me suggestions, and most importantly, he told me we were all having a hard time and we would all help each other through it. He gave me a chapter out of his instruction book. His comforting words helped.

Even though I am faced with a month of milestones that I am not looking forward to, I was reminded last night by my dad that there will always be friends and family there who care for me and who will be willing to help, and I can always count on my dad for advice from his book of instructions.

Between Me and God - Making the Best of Things

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

As I was searching the internet today to try and find something inspirational, I found this. They call it “The Final Analysis” and it is a Mother Theresa Prayer. I have always found her words to be very inspiring to me, but this prayer caught my attention and really spoke to me about so much happening in my life in the past several days, several months.

Forgiveness

Anger has been a big part of my life in the past 11 months. This is not how I usually live my life, but I felt I had so much to be angry about. I was angry that the doctors hadn’t caught my mother’s illness sooner. I was angry that the doctors couldn’t do more for her. I was angry that they “let her go”. I was angry that there were so many people in my life that claimed to be a “friend” and reminded me they would be there for me, weren’t. They told me I shouldn’t be grieving as I was. My mom wouldn’t want me to. I was angry that they were telling me how to grieve for such a large loss in my life. In the recent past, I have been lied to. Blatantly. It makes me angry to know that I am being lied to and being disrespected in such a manner.

In the recent past, I’ve had so much anger. I do not want to live my life filled with anger. I’ve decided I am going to forgive. I may not forget. I won’t let myself forget. This anger has taught me many lessons. I will listen to my body and be persistent when I feel something is not right. I will advocate for others when they feel something may not be right. I will fight to find a cure. I will forgive those who did not have the strength to be there for me when I lost all of my strength and be for them should the need arise. I will always make sure that I am a good friend and am there when needed. Above all, I will try and listen to those who have lied and understand why they thought such a large untruth was necessary. Perhaps there is room for growth for me personally. Perhaps there is something to learn about myself. I will forgive.

A Lesson in Kindness

                I’ve always tried to be kind to others. Kindness is something that can make someone’s day turn around with very little effort. Something that can seem so small and insignificant can truly make the difference in someone’s day, in someone’s life. I have tried in the past to help out when it is necessary and go above and beyond in other situations. It seems as though, in recent times most specifically, this may end up being an issue.

                Even though this is true, even though it may end up causing issues, I still need to be kind. I know that there have been days when someone has done something that seems so small and insignificant has really made such a huge positive effect. I do not want to take this out of my life. I want to continue “paying it forward” and giving those small random acts of kindness when I can, because I do not know when there will come a day that I need that small, seemingly insignificant act of kindness from someone else. I may not be getting the kindness from those involved in this situation right now, but there are so many others out there with kind hearts, and for that, I am extremely thankful.

Finding Enemies in Friends

                It seems as though it is very easy to find an enemy in someone you once considered a friend. No one wants to think this is true. I don’t want to think something like this is possible, but it is. It is very possible. These people who were once friends can actually turn into one of the most harmful enemies. They know you best. They know exactly what buttons to push to get the reaction. They know exactly how to go about doing what they are going to do to make you feel poorly about yourself. This is the situation I currently find myself in. I have spent time with these people having fun, doing fun things. I have accepted favors and offered favors in return from these people, as friends do. Now, the most painful thing has happened. They are using this intimate knowledge about me and my life to hurt me in the ways they know will hurt me most.

                I cannot see this as a failure. This has always happened, and I know that it will likely always continue. I cannot let this deter me from putting myself out there. I need to continue to be me and continue do what I need to do in order to live the life that I want to live. I cannot worry about the “frienemies” that will always be out there. There’s nothing that I can do about this. This is life. This is just what happens. It sure hurts like heck right now, but with time that hurt will go away and I will come out of this situation stronger than I was before.

To Lie or Not to Lie

                I have learned in life one of the most important things is honesty. Even the smallest little “white lie” can turn into something huge that can really hurt someone, or hurt many. I have learned to be honest with people. I have learned to open up when appropriate and share information with people that they need to know. So, what does one do when asked to lie? There are two answers: you lie or you tell the truth. In these past weeks filled with turmoil and upset, my belief in honesty was renewed. Someone was honest with me. Someone told me the truth even though it may have hurt me. That person will never fully understand how much this means to me. Each day when I wake up, the first thought that enters my head is frustration about all of the things that are going on. Then, I remember, that just because there is so much negativity and bad things, that there are still wonderful people in my life. I remember that there are people who will do things to help me and who will be there for me, even when it could have consequences for them. Like I said, this means more to me than I will ever be able to verbalize to this person. I hope someday I can repay this person for this honesty.

Continuing to Create

                It has become blatantly clear to me that things can change in a heartbeat. The world can change with no notice. This year has brought more heartache than I ever thought was possible. Things I have worked for 27 years to create have been reduced to nothing in just the blink of an eye, in simple words I never prepared myself to hear “She’s gone”. Throughout these past years, I’ve been so focused on creating; on working hard to create what I thought I needed to create. Then, when it was taken away, I lost my motivation. I didn’t want to create anymore. What was the use anyways? It seemed like this was a theme throughout my entire life. I worked hard to create a good relationship. It was reduced to nothing within seconds. With no emotion and simple words “I don’t think we should be together anymore.” I worked hard to create trusting relationships with people, only to find out that they were not what they appeared to be.

                It would be easy to give up and stop creating. I cannot do that. The world needs creative people. The world needs people to continuing creating. Besides, what is life without creativity? It’s not one that I want to live. Even though it is hard knowing that things that one has worked so hard for, for so long can crumble without warning it is worth it. The ride is worth it. The art one creates on the way IS worth it. I’m going to continue to create. Continue to live. Continue to be me.

Finding Happiness

                Happiness is challenging to find. When you think you’ve found it, it disappears. Sometimes it seems like it’s a paranormal thing. Something that you think exists but you cannot confirm. Just when you think you’ve found evidence it does it exist, you turn around for your camera to document it, and it’s gone. What is happiness, really? Why does it seem as though when one person seems to have found it, others cannot experience happiness for them? Or why does it seem as though people will take this time to try and create issues to remove the happiness? Is happiness something that is found, something that is created, or something that you have to work for? I cannot seem to find the answer to this.

                What I do know is that I have happiness in my life right now, if I let it be there. There are people in my life that make me feel happy: if I let the happiness overcome the frustration and the anger. It is easy to just let the anger take over. It has been easier and easier lately to let the happiness be present more than the anger and frustration. There are some pretty darn good people in my life that make this happiness easier and easier to find on a daily basis. It’s easier and easier to spend my days happy rather than caught up in negativity. I have resolved that even though others may true and knock me down, I will never stop laughing. I will never stop enjoying life. I will never stop seeking happy moments. If I am lucky, God will bless many with many happy moments and these happy moments will make the sad moments sting that much less.

Giving Without Receiving

These days it seems as though people are so focused on what we are getting, not what we are giving. Even I do it from time to time. Something made me stop and think about this the other day. I need to get back on track and start giving again. The past several years I have gotten off track. Throughout the years past, I have volunteered for many organizations and in many situations. In the past several years, I haven’t been as involved. I have been more in the “for me” phase. I have decided in the past couple of days I am going to get back involved again with volunteering more. There are so many places and causes that need assistance. I want to be a part of them. I want to give what I can. Someday, I may need someone’s assistance, and I hope that there are people who will be willing to give without receiving.

It’s Never Going to be Good Enough

                As you have probably gathered through the past several weeks, days, hours I have felt as though no matter how hard I try, it’s not going to be good enough. I have felt inadequate as a daughter. I did not see that my mom was terminally ill. I have felt inadequate as the recipient of love. I was not good enough for them. I did not do enough for them. I do not deserve to be in a happy relationship. I have worked hard at being a friend. I was told I was not there enough. I was not a good enough friend. It seemed as though no matter how hard I tried, it would not be good enough. I would not be good enough.

                In some regards this is true. It is never going to be good enough. There is always room for improvement, however, I am not an inadequate daughter, I do deserve love, and I do deserve to have good friends. I need to take lessons away from these feelings of inadequacy and learn from them. Take these lessons and improve life for me and others in my life. I have been lucky enough to have great people in my life recently. This makes me happy and gives me hope. It gives me hope that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be filled with happiness.

The Final Analysis

                I guess I’ve realized things are what I make them. I cannot control the actions of others. I can only control my response and my reactions. I can let all of these things consume my life. I can be overcome with negativity, frustration, anger, and just give up or I can live. I can learn. I can laugh about the ridiculous people who think it is necessary to lie or be deceitful. I can smile when I learn a lesson from a difficult situation. I can live life. I want to live life. I want to be happy and give happiness to the people around me, to those who are the most important to me. As Mother Theresa states, it is between me and God.

Wisdom From the Calendar

I had an unbelievable day today. Seriously, I don't even know how days like this find their way to me. I struggled through several emotional situations and struggled with many hard questions and inability to understand. I struggled through realizing people are not who I think they are. I struggled with many things today. Then, I found a new perspective. From the last place I would have expected.

Panic Attack vs. A Great Man
There it was. The familiar tightness in my chest. My heart was beating so fast I couldn't keep up the count. The faint feeling. The feeling like I wasn't able to control it; control anything. It crept right up on me, just like they usually do. I didn't see it coming. It was caused by a ridiculous thing, by ridiculous people. Even knowing this fact, I still couldn't stop in.

Then, right in the middle of all the craziness, my world spinning; I called him. He talked to me. He listened. He didn't judge. He calmed me down, and the panic attack went away. A great man helped me see that this feeling of panic, loss of control wasn't worth it. I could pull myself out of it. He was there to help if I needed it. Just now, after finding this new perspective, I realize just how lucky I am to have him in my life. Someone I can count on. Someone I can call if I start to get that familiar feeling in my chest, or when my heart starts beating faster and faster.

Thus, new perspective #1: Even though there are things beyond my control, there are also things within my control. These things are usually much more important than those that are beyond my control. I know I can enjoy my time with this great man, and just breathe.

Losing Trust, Thus Finding a Simple Joy
As much as I thought I could trust this person, something simple and small made me realize I cannot. That things are not what I thought they were. This made my heart drop and made me feel like there was no one I could trust. I just don't really undertstand people. You can do everything for them, and then they end up throwing a monkey wrench at you. Yuck. People just tend to stink now-a-days.

I was driving, and I found myself turning to go in the opposite direction I was suppose to. I was going to a familiar place. I was finding my way to the campus of the College of St. Catherine. I can always find peace there. So, there I sat, in front of the chapel in the snowy cold and out of no where I feel a surge of warmth. I could feel the strength of familiarity, a bond with this place, and the love of those with me, even if they weren't there physically. I found a simple joy in just giving myself that fifteen minute pleasure of sitting and finding these things. Of sitting and doing nothing.

Thus, new perspective #2: Trust in myself above all others. I have lived my life as the caregiver of others for too long. I am going to take more moments, more minutes for myself. And most importantly, I need to not be so trusting in others. I usually end up being hurt.

Harsh Words Followed by A Simple Compliment
For so long I have become accomstomed to doing without thanks. It can really become draining. It's hard to try and be all that you can be when there is no thank you. There is no small tokens of appreciation. Then, there are the harsh words spoken, and the mean thoughts thought. Things to try and break my spirit.

Out of the blue, a small, simple compliment came my way. This compliment meant the world to me right at that moment. It made me smile. Made me feel happy. Made me feel like I was worth something. Made me feel like I wanted to get up tomorrow and do the very best that I could. All from something so little, yet, so meaningful.

Thus, new perspective #3: One needs to be appreciated in order to be happy. I haven't felt appreciated. That's over with. I am going to spend more time surrounding myself with positive energy and positiveness, period. No more negativity. More appreciation. Out of this appreciate comes a mutual respect. Loss of this appreciation equates loss of respect. I will associate myself with those that I respect.

A Calendar That's Smarter Than I...
So, where are these new perspectives coming from, do you ask? From the least expected place. A calendar. One of those silly page a day calendars. The title of this calendar is "For Women Who Do Too Much". HA! That says it all. I came home from work today, after this emotionally draining day, remembering I had purchased new calendars. I joyfully opened it up. After reading the first page, I realized I needed to re-evaluated, re-prioritize, and live happier.

Thanks, Page-A-Day calendar for sharing your wisedom and giving me some new perspectives on life.

Use 'Em Then Lose 'Em??

Okay, okay. I know I've already posted today, but I've had something on my mind lately that has almost completely consumed me at times. It's something that scares me, and something that I know I should take seriously, but I don't want to think about it.

"You'll Make a Good Mom Someday"
I was sitting with mom in her hospital room. Everyone else had already left for the day, but I wanted someone to be there with her until her chemo was done. It was the first time she had ever had chemo. It was only one day after we were told of her diagnosis. I was scared. I don't know how she stayed so calm. We talked about so much that day, watched her favorite TV shows, and got comments from the nurses that they had never heard so much laughter coming from a cancer patients room before. That was my mom though. Always making everyone laugh and making the best of every situation.

Every time that nurse came into the room, I watched her intently. I watched the times. Was she doing the testing they were suppose to be? Mom didn't seem to mind the constant needles, the constant pokes, the constant testing. Mom kept talking about so many things. She kept talking about what she was proud of with me, what she could see in the future for me. One thing that she said that will always stay with me was "You will make such a good mom some day." The look she had on her face I will never forget. It was a look of excitement, but also a look of sadness, like she wouldn't be there to see it. I asked her why she thought that. Mom said, "You are so great with people. You are always prepared for every situation. You will make such a good mom someday."She says this as I'm eating a snack I had packed in my bag, laying under the blanket I had brought with knowing I would be sitting with mom for a long time, and plugging my phone into the way with the charger I remembered to bring.

Mom and I talked about a lot of things that day. Things that I will never ever forget.

"You Better Use 'Em Then Lose 'Em..."
What some of you may or may not know, I've had several years of bad health. With my reproductive organs. My mom had a diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer. I had already had three surgeries before mom was diagnosed to remove stuff that wasn't suppose to be there. After mom got sick and passed away, I went back into the doctor. I had to be serious about this, as much as I didn't want to think about it. Since mom had Ovarian Cancer, my risk is three times higher than that of an average woman.

I went into the appointment dreading it. That wasn't out of the ordinary. Who the heck likes going to the gynecologist anyways? Well, this appointment was worse than most I remember. We discussed the symptoms I was currently experiencing (bloating, pelvic pain, difficulty eating/feeling full quickly, urinary issues, fatigue, back pain, indigestion, etc). Well...after mom had her diagnosis, I did research. I had no idea about this disease. Well, guess what? Those are all symptoms of Ovarian Cancer. The doctor suggested surgery and then said, "You're 27 years old. Your best bet is to just use 'em then lose 'em." What?!? I'm only 27 years old...what if I wasn't ready to "use 'em" as he so casually put it.

Well, I had the surgery. No cancer. My symptoms were gone. Or so I thought. Now, only 3 months later, my symptoms are back. Worse then before I had the surgery in October. It's scary. It seems as I've continued to get older the symptoms have just continued to get worse. It's to the point where I'm changing my every day routine. I'm avoiding activities I really enjoy. But I'm afraid to go to the doctor. I'm afraid.

Now, on top of these symptoms I've experienced before, I've had other symptoms and bouts with illness like I've never experienced before. Is it my heart? My liver? The don't know. I guess I need to do more tests to figure this one out...But I don't want to. I'm scared. My mom would usually be the one to talk sense into me and talk me into going. She would even go with me. I hate going to the doctor myself.

To Baby Or Not To Baby?
So, now faced with another round of scary symptoms and illnesses, my doctors words ring through my ears daily, "Use 'em then lose 'em." What kind of a decision is that for a 27 year old to make? Not one I want to make. My mom always told me things would work out the way they were suppose to. So, what do I do? I don't know what to do here. All I know is its scary. Very scary. However, these symptoms are back, and they are back with vengeance. And it makes me think about what I should do. I don't want to live my life in pain, or in constant fear about what this symptom or that symptom means. But, do I want to "lose 'em" and lose a huge dream I've had for myself for as long as I can remember? I don't know.

I finally broke down and made some medical appointments today. They all scare me. One of them involves a very long needed being poked into my ribcage. Anyone want to take that one for me? Hopefully, these appointments will show there is nothing serious wrong and things can be easily fixed, however, the question will always remain, when is the right time to use 'em, and when should I lose 'em.