Letters to God

This may be a touchy subject for some. Heck, it is for me sometimes, but I've gotta go here. It's been on my mind way too much lately and need to get it out of my mind.

Letters to God
I have always had a strong faith in God. He's always played a role in my life, in one way or another. I've never really been a big fan of "organized religion" as I feel we don't need to do any certain thing to have and show our faith in God. There's always some little "catch" with an organizational religion that I just cannot get aboard with. But my faith in God was always unwavering. Until recently.

When my mom passed away in February, there were a few hours, or maybe days, that I was numb. I didn't feel the love and strength I can usually feel from the faith I have in God. However, I didn't really feel anything, so I guess this wasn't surprising to me. Then, I had some unforgettable, moving moments in which I could feel His presence and guidance more than any other time in my life.

Questions for God
After mom got sick, and even more so after mom died, I was angry. Angry at the doctors, angry at myself, angry at everyone, angry with God. Why mom? She was such an amazing woman. She was always there for me, and everyone for that matter, and gave up so much for everyone. Why her? Why did this have to happen so fast? Why weren't we given more time. Why? Just plain why. I tried to find answers to these questions in my belief in God and His plan, but I couldn't. I was too angry. I couldn't get the answers I was looking for. I was too angry to see them.

That Moment in the Church
One day, I think it was the day before mom's funeral, I was with dad. He was upset. He asked if I would go to the church with him. I, of course, agreed. In those moments spent in the church that day, both dad and I had moments with God that will forever reassure my faith in God's presence in my life. This may sound crazy to some, I don't know, but there were things I felt that I have never felt before. Things I was compelled to do. Things I was compelled to say. After leaving the church that morning, and sharing my experience with dad we both realized we had had similar experiences that day. Our letters to God had been answered. I had a new found strength that I didn't think I would ever be able to have again after losing my mom.

Answered Prayers
Now, looking back on the past ten months and experiencing more periods of anger, uncertainty, and not understanding, I am able to look past the anger and see. I am able to see that there may be a reason for the things that have happened. God has a plan for all of us. I know this is true. I may not know or understand right now what His plan is for mom, but I know it must involve great things, as she is a great woman. When there are days that I just feel as though I am unable to get up, unable to function, unable to live - I have a surge of faith. I can feel His presence in my life, and even more I can feel my moms.

So, yeah. This was my touchy blog post. I've been thinking so much lately about the reason why things happen and looking to my faith in God for guidance that I needed to talk about it. Like I said, I do not know why things happened the way the did, how they did, when they did, but I know someday I will understand. This reminds me of a quote that I think is very true. "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." I'm not sure who said this, but this quote sure does sum it up.