Dreams, Doughnuts, and Tears....

This is going to be another one of those rambling blogs that likely will not make sense to anyone. It doesn't even make sense to me, in my head.

I Need My Mom
It's days like today that I really miss my mom. I actually found myself picking up the phone and dialing her work number only to remember she would not be at the other end of the line to answer. How the heck am I suppose to figure this one out on my own? Who am I suppose to call and talk to? Who will listen to me cry and tell me everything will be okay and to help the tears stop coming. How am I suppose to get through this without her?

She always understood. She understood what I was saying, why I was feeling bad. She never told me not to cry about it, or that I shouldn't be angry. She listened patiently until I had told her every detail about what was happening and she always found just the right thing to say to make it better. She always knew how to make me feel okay. Even on days when I complained about things that I didn't really need to complain about, or cried because of something ridiculous that didn't deserve a tear, she still understood, she still listened, and she still always knew the exact thing to say. I miss mom.

Ridiculously Petty People
Today was another one of those days that just got to me. It really should not get to me. I should not have let other ridiculous petty people make me feel this way. It's just hard to have stuff like this happen over and over again. I wish I could stand up for myself and say something, but I've always been the quiet, compliant person who will do whatever is asked of her and do it above expectations. I have always tried to do my best at everything and it really hurts to feel this disrespected and untrusted. Like I would freak out about this? Or I would do something dumb? No. I wouldn't. I would keep doing what I've always done. My best.

I think a lot about my mom. I compare my mom to people a lot. My mom raised me and my brother and sister to be good people. To have good work ethic. To be understanding. To always give our all. There are not many other people like this out there anymore. It can be pretty darn frustrating. I'm not going to lie. I wish there were more people like my mom out there. She would do what she needed to do, eliminate as much BS as she could, and smile while doing everything. Almost every single memory I have of my mom is with a smile on her face. Her beautiful, colorful smile that radiated love and always made everything better.

Letting It All Out
So, I took it upon myself to allow a few minutes to cry and let the emotion out. I even let someone else see it. I've always tried to portray myself as the strong one who can get through anything. The one that can handle it all. Today, I couldn't pretend to be that person. At least not for those 20 minutes. Even though I wasn't able to finish dialing my mom's number, I was able to make a phone call to another individual important in my life, which helped. He wasn't my mom, but just the same, he was there to listen. And that meant the world to me.

After crying for a good 20 minutes, talking on the phone, I made a decision. I'm not going to take the disrespect any more. I'm going to take a day or two to clear my head and decide what path is the best for me to get this matter resolved. The truth is though, I can't continue to be made to feel this way. It's not fair. It's not okay. I deserve to get the same amount of respect that  I give.

More people need to live life with mom's philosophy - Hippies and Happiness. Laughter and Love. Fairness and Fun. Communication and Clarity. Dreams and Doughnuts :)