Letters to Mom...

There seems to be a theme to this week (and I'm sorry if it seems to be boring, but it is on my mind quite a bit): My Mom. This past week has been so hard. There have been so many things that I've wanted so badly to share with her: frustrations about a situation that is really bothering me, talking about the new opportunity I've been able to experience, talking about the latest mishap that has occurred. But I haven't been able to. The other day, I actually found myself picking up the telephone and dialing her number. I was in the process of calling her when I realized she would not be on the other end of the line.

I do believe that my mom can still hear me, that she is still with me, but it is so hard to not be able to enjoy those conversations as we have so many times in the past. Is it selfish to want her to be here to answer those phone calls?

The following is something I wrote in the days following my mother's death. My letters to my mom:

2/28/2010:
My Beautiful Mother, by Danielle Sawatzky:
A beautiful smile always upon your face;
Your guiding hands to help me find my place.

The many words of wisdom you've shared with me;
All of the times you opened my eyes to help me see.

Your unwavering strength and courageous ways;
Holding my hand through life's confusing maze.

In my heart are echoes of your laugh-
Your hard work is under my feet, paving my path.

You rarely thought of yourself, always of others;
You are the world's best mother.

Sometimes I can't understand why you're gone;
Sometimes I don't understand what could have gone wrong.

But, when I feel like a part of me is missing-
All I have to do is open my eyes and listen.

I see your smile in the shining sunlight;
It's just as beautiful, just as bright.

I can feel your strength in each beat of my heart;
It's like we've never even been apart.

I feel your hands gently guiding my way;
"I'm always with you," I can hear you say.

In God's Kingdom, I know you're peaceful and free;
I know you'll always be a part of me.

Does anyone else write poetry? I've for the majority of my life. Sometimes I struggle with what I'm going to say, what format to put it in, and so many other things. This one just came write out of my mind onto paper. Free flowing, with very little effort. This was my mother. She was all of these things, and I know I am who I am because of her and all of the things that she has done for me and for the world.

3/2/2010:
Mom:
I know that you won't be reading this, but I have struggled with how to get my feelings out. How to try and understand this shock we've been dealt with. I don't know how I am going to go on without you. You are such an important part of my life, How am I suppose to continue life with such a huge piece of my heart missing? I know that most important you would want us all to be happy and not to be sad, but it's just so hard. You were such an amazing mother. You did such amazing things. How can I be happy without you in my life? Without you here to answer my questions, guide me in the right direction, make me laugh when I called crying?

I am so thankful for all you have done for me. You have taught me how to be a strong, independent woman. You have taught me how to be self sufficient and work hard for all of the things I have in life. You showed me how to live life simply and fully -- I just wish I would have listened to you more before now. Before it was too late. Now I regret living life the way I have the past several years instead of living a simpler life and enjoying some of the small things that I am pretty sure that I missed out on.

I know that I am blessed to have been able to share the last 27 years of my life with you, but I wish that I had another 27 years of time with you.

Miss you. Love you. Dani

This was something I had written prior to mom's funeral. We were all thinking about writing something to be read at the funeral. I had a really hard time. How does one write something that sums up the life of someone as amazing as my mom. I don't know. This isn't what I chose. This was a letter to my mom, not something to be read at her funeral. I still find myself writing to her every now and then, in my journal, like I would if she were alive. When she was alive, I would write it in a card and send it to her and see it standing up on her desk at home the next time I visited. Now when I write her, it's in my journal. She doesn't get to read it.

A Slight Case of Depression
Thinking of my mom so much lately has made me feel a little depressed. Especially with all of the things that are going on right now. I wish she were here sharing in the joys of life. I wish she would have been able to see my sister graduate from college and go on to do great things as she is. I wish she would be able to see how my brother has been doing such great things. I wish she could see how strong my dad is. I wish she were here to enjoy this with all of us right now. The fact that she's not makes me feel a little sad. Is this a bad thing? Is it wrong to feel depressed because she's not here? Is it selfish?

I guess in sense, this is another letter to mom. Another letter telling her just how much I miss her and just how much I wish she were here. Love you mom. Miss you every day.