Big Mac at Midnight...

            I just ate a Big Mac at midnight…that is never a good sign. It usually means I’m upset or frustrated or sad. I think today, I am all of these things, because not only did I eat a Big Mac at midnight, I ate a large fry too. Did it help? No, it most certainly did not. Now I feel as though I am going to vomit. It gurgles around like nastiness in my stomach.

            Well, now it is officially January 21, 2011. It would have been my mom’s birthday. I honestly do not know how to handle the feelings this day is bringing, and it’s only been minutes into the day. On Sunday, dad called. He asked how I was doing. Instead of answering, I started crying. He knew. I asked him how I was going to get through today. He didn’t know. I don’t know if anyone knows. It makes me wonder what some of the other dates coming up will feel like.

            I miss my mom more than I can verbalize; more than I can try and express in writing. She was my best friend. She was always my rock. She always knew exactly what to say. I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss the way her eyes would twinkle when she was feeling mischievous. I miss watching her enjoy the simple things in life, such as sitting on the patio with a cat in her lap watching the dog play, or walking around looking at her garden. She was such a beautiful woman. I miss her beauty. I miss her strength.

            I think the biggest thing that is upsetting to me about today is the fact that I will most likely not be able to go and visit her today. I would love more than anything just to go there, bring her some flowers; to be able to just talk to her. It hurts to not be able to see her today. I want to see her today.

            On the way home tonight, I was listening to a CD I made in early March. Song #1: “She’s a Rainbow” by The Rolling Stones. I thought about mom’s life and how it was remembered and cherished by so many. I thought about how colorful mom was. I found myself crying. I found myself smiling.

I ate turkey and mashed potatoes for dinner today at work. I found myself remembering all the times mom would make a big turkey dinner just because I was coming home for the weekend.

Today, I was at Target. I saw the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. I immediately thought about how much mom would love them.

            I’m trying to find comfort in this time of sadness; anger; hurt. I wish I had one of her crazy Hawaiian shirts to look at, hold. I wish I had some of her favorite body spray to smell. I wish I had some of that turkey she would always make. I wish I had something to hold onto to remember my mom; to remember her smile, her laughter, her good spirit.

            I wish I had more to say, but my mind is focused completely on missing mom today. Hopefully it will be a good day, and I can think about the positives more than thinking about the bad things.

Happy Birthday Mom. I haven’t forgotten. I will never forget.