Unable to Dream in Color

Where did all the color go?
I am 27. I've lived my life full of spunk, a little bit of craziness, and always trying to find the fun in every situation. I have lived life full of color and full of love. Where did this color go? This year has given me more curve balls than I could have ever imagined; ever been prepared for. I remember the day the color disappeared. The day my best friend, my mom, died of Ovarian Cancer. It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was fast. One day, mom was fine. Then, after only a short time of 10 days, she was gone. Her smile, her laugh, all of her color was gone. I found myself unable to go for a full day without crying; without wondering what I could have done differently. Why didn't I see the signs? Did I make all the right decisions? What if we would have done things differently? These thoughts consumed me and I was unable to live life as I had been able to for the past 27 years. I found myself wandering aimlessly through each day. The color was gone.

Where did everyone else go?
During the weeks following this unbearable loss, I found more and more of the color and spunk slowly disappearing. Friends stopped calling. People looked the other way when they saw me coming. People did not want to deal with "death". People didn't want to think of immortality. Worst of all, people tried to tell me my mom wouldn't want me to act like this. How did they know? Just because I didn't feel like drinking my sorrows away does not mean my mom would have been disappointed in me. Just because I was trying to find the colors and the spunk and cried every now and then does not mean my mom was angry with me. She would have understood. She understood everything. Then, when I thought life was as colorless as it could be, my boyfriend of two years ended our relationship. Friends I had spent the last two years of my life with, those who said they would be there for me no matter what, were not. Where did everyone go?

This thing called depression...
After losing so much, I found myself stuck in a rut deeper than any other rut I've ever been in. My best friend, my mom, was gone. My boyfriend, who said he would be there, was gone. The friends I had spent so much time with over the past two years who claimed to be supportive and care about me, gone. The depression set in. It was all I could do to get through each day. I continued to hear people say "Your mom wouldn't want you to act like this. She would want you to be happy." How could I be happy when all the color in my life was gone. I tried to keep myself busy with whatever I could. It seemed to keep my mind off of all the things I felt I had lost. I tried to be strong for the others in my life. It didn't work. Every night, I cried. I remembered seeing mom in the hospital. I remembered feeling her hand squeezing mine and her eyes finding mine before she became unresponsive. I remember seeing her hooked up to all of the machines. I remember watching the color slowly fade.


Seeing the colors again
Just when I felt I would not be able to find the color again, I woke up one morning. I tried to get myself ready for another day. Another day of pretending I was okay. I opened the shades to shut my window. Sitting right outside my window, looking in, was a Sparrow. Immediately, I noticed the colors of the bird. The colors of the flowers outside my window. The color of the sun and the sky. I could see some color breaking through the black and white. After seeing the sparrow and watching it for a few minutes, a vibrant, unforgettable picture flashed before my eyes. My mom smiling at me. She was smiling and laughing. She was wearing a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt. The memory made me smile and reminded me the color was still there, I just had to look past the black and white to see it. Even though my mom was not here in physical presence, she was here with me in my heart, in my memories, and in spirit.

More and More Color
Since this moment of revelation, more and more color has been infused into my life. I have met people who have helped me see this color more and more. I've found new friends who have been there when the old ones weren't. I've found comfort in finding others have also been through situations where they have lost their color and have found comfort in the ability to help each other. Most importantly, I've realized that it is important to slow down; enjoy the things that are the most important to you; and take time to see the colors.

I miss mom every day. I don't think that will ever go away. I can, however, take the opportunity to see the colors and the beauty in things daily as she would have.

Never forgotten, always in my heart <3 LS <3