I had kind of a rough week. I know, it’s only Wednesday, but its been a rough week. It seems that with each new day brings new frustrations and new reasons to feel like crap. I think I have cried already seven times since the week started Sunday. This isn’t me…I don’t know what the heck is going on.
I tried to write yesterday, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t write. I felt like I was back in February again – stuck without a creative outlet. Everything I wanted to say was stuck inside and I couldn’t get it out. My feelings have been stuck inside and I couldn’t get them out. I hate that feeling.
I was in the car driving today, which I have been doing a lot. I found a HUGE stack of CDs in my car. Good CDs. I was pretty excited. I put the first one in and found my favorite song. I sang along at the top of my lungs. I didn’t even listen to the entire CD before I took it out to put another one in. I sang that one at the top of my lungs and through tears. This repeated several times. Then, I realized I felt better. I had gotten all of those bottled up emotions out through the music.
Music has always been my saving grace. I have a song to listen to for each emotion; a song for each memory; a song for each day. I started putting together the list; the soundtrack of my life.
“Where Do The Children Play?”
One of my first memories of music as a child was listening to my mom and dad’s old records on an old record player. I had my favorite, Cat Stevens’ “Tea for the Tillerman”. I remember dad teaching me how to put the album on the player and how to find the song that I wanted to hear. I remember turning the record player up loud and the crackling in the background.
Most of what I listened to as a child was on the record player. I didn’t have a CD player until I was about 15 years old. All of my friends were listening to their new CD’s and I was still putzing around with the old record player listening to what my mom and dad had listened to in the earlier days.
I think the track I would choose for my soundtrack to represent my early childhood days would be “Where Do The Children Play?” by Cat Stevens. The lyrics of this song still speak to me. I think when I was a kid it was more the sound of the music itself, but now the words of the songs speak.
“Well, you've cracked the sky.
'Scrapers fill the air,
But will you keep on buildin' higher
'Til there's no more room up there?
Will you make us laugh?
Will you make us cry?
Will you tell us when to live?
Will you tell us when to die?”
A Little Bit of Spice
A few years later, while sharing a room with my sister, we graduated to the tape player. One of my favorite cassette tapes from this time was “Spice” by the Spice Girls. My sister and I would sing along to all the songs, like “Wanna Be”, “2 Become 1” and “Goodbye”. Again, the music was catchy and I enjoyed singing to the songs along with my sister. These songs all remind me of the simpler times. The times I wish I could have back: the fun with my sister, the small arguments about her crossing into my side of the room, and her constantly asking me to play Barbie with her. I really miss those days. I wish I would have played more Barbie with her and I wish I would have jumped on the bed more.
“Just a little girl,
Big imagination,
Never letting no one take it away.
Went into the world, (into the world)
What a revelation.
She found there's a better way for you and me to be”
“Does Anyone Care?”
As I entered my teens, or what my parents called the “Darlene Phase”, my dad started introducing me to music not necessarily listened to a lot on the mainstream at the time. I really enjoyed artists such as Mazzy Star, Natalie Merchant, and The Cranberries.
After hearing the first Cranberries CD, I was immediately made into a lifelong fan. The Cranberries and other artists I started listening to at this time really started speaking to me. I think this is when I realized that music is more than notes and words. Together they mean something. Separate they mean something. They just mean something.
Music was an important part of my life from this point forward. It helped me through a lot. It continues helping me through rough patches, and happy patches alike. No matter what kind of day I have, I can get in my car, put in a CD, crank it up as loud as my eardrums will allow, and it’s like magic: my mood is improved, or I become even more happy than I was before.
“Unhappiness:
Where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn,
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun and take it if we can.
My mother, my mother,
She’d hold me, she’d hold me, when I was out there.
My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me. Does anyone care?”
Music Through Tragedy
This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. More than ever, I have turned to music. I’ve used songs to try and remember things, people. I’ve used music to cheer me up. I’ve used music to bring me back into the now when I seem to be dwelling on the past or stuck on the “what ifs”.
I find myself having a bad day and turning on the radio and the day immediately improved. I feel better. I can find just the right song to put me exactly where I need to be. I feeling very blessed to have this simple pleasure that can do so much for me. Truly, I feel blessed for having parents that supported and encouraged this love for music and encouraged having the radio on.
My love for music is an unbreakable connection I have with my mom. No matter where I am, how bad of a day I’m having, or how sad I feel: I can always find the connection with my mom I’m looking for by finding the right track on the soundtrack of my life.
“She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
Have you seen her dressed in blue?
See the sky in front of you
And her face is lik a sail
Speck of white so fair and pale
Have you seen a lady fairer?
She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
Have you seen her all in gold?
Like a queen in days of old
She shoots her colors all around
Like a sunset going down
Have you seen a lady fairer?
She comes in colors ev'rywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
She's like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors”
“She’s A Rainbow” by The Rolling Stones
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