*DISCLAIMER* This blog is going to be a very personal blog. It’s pretty emotional. It may not be for everyone. I will not be offended if you chose not to read this, but it seems as though the past few blog posts I’ve completed that have tapped into the emotional issues have really helped make me feel better, and these days I need that. I need to find comfort every which way I can.
Friday was my mom’s birthday. In a month, it will be year since mom passed away. I’ve flooded with all kinds of new emotions and feelings that I’ve never felt before. I’ve felt depressed before, like when I moved out and got home sick, or when I found out a boyfriend was cheating. This is completely different. I don’t even know if the words to describe it are in my vocabulary. I wake up every day thinking about mom and feeling sad. I’ve never lived this feeling for this long before.
I also have a very hard time talking about this emotion. I think I attribute it to an experience I had not long after mom passed away. I had confided in a very good friend that I was depressed. That friend told me “there is no such thing as depression” and stated “your mom wouldn’t want you to talk like this.” This I think has kept me from confiding in others and discussing these feelings, which in turn has made things worse. Just recently I have been able to start talking about these feelings again. There are a couple of great people who have been willing to listen and not judge me for how I’m feeling. It’s felt good to talk about things, but I’m still not fully able to discuss everything.
The one thing that I have the hardest time discussing is the fact that I feel an immense feeling of guilt about the situation with my mom. I feel like I am partially responsible for the way things happened with my mom. I feel as though I should have seen what was going on sooner. Why didn’t I notice that mom was losing weight everywhere but her stomach? Why didn’t I notice she wasn’t eating? Why didn’t I notice she was sleeping more? Complaining of pain more? Why didn’t I notice the jaundice? I work with health related issues every single day, and I did nothing to help my mom. I was the one who encouraged mom to get the chemo treatment the doctor was recommending. She did necessarily want to. If I hadn’t have done that, would things be different now? I feel guilty for not fully accepting the situation with mom and what was happening and being in denial. I didn’t talk to her about what she wanted. I had no idea if she would have wanted to be hooked up to all those machines. I had no idea what she would have wanted for her memorial service. I have no idea about what she would want for us all now. I should have gotten past the denial in thinking that she would pull through and talk to her about these things. I feel guilty that I didn’t spend as much time at home with her and my family as I had in the past. Instead, I opted to spend more time with my boyfriend at the time and “friends” that opted to leave my life moments after my mom died. I feel guilty that I wasn’t there more for my family; my dad, my sister, my brother; after mom died. I was so consumed with my own guilt and grief I forgot to be there for them. Mostly, I’m guilty I have not lived up to my full potential like my mom would want me to. I’ve given up too easily on things in life. I haven’t fought hard enough. I feel guilty I have let her down.
The other thing I seem to be struggling with is the fact that there is so much unknown. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. This past year has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions; I had the feeling unsure, uncertain. I never know how I will feel when the alarm goes off. I feel like I’ve lost my spunk, my color, my vibe. I want it back, but the uncertainty keeps me from finding it. I don’t know if this is normal. Is it normal to be so upset a year after this tragedy? Am I the only one who is still struggling with this loss this much? Where is the damn instruction manual for this?
I also wish I would talk to my family more about this, but I am scared to death that if or when I do, I am making them feel bad. I am ruining their day. I’m taking the sunshine out of their day. I feel as though the dynamics of my family have completely changed, and I feel this is largely due to the fact that I’m too afraid to go home and feel the overwhelming sense of sadness when I see mom’s shirts hanging in her closet and cry in front of others. I’m afraid seeing her car parked in the driveway buried in snow will cause anxiety that will affect my family. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to try and be brave for everyone, and in this process I lose me and my feelings. I don’t let myself fully feel in fear of what it might do to others.
I feel the guiltiest about not going to see mom more. Every time I’m home, I intend to go see her, and I don’t. Why? Sometimes I don’t know what to say to her and sometimes feel it is because of the guilt I feel. I know I don’t actually have to be where she is to be with her, to feel her, but I feel guilty I don’t do it more often.
So, now what? What do I do to get over all this and find my spunk? I want my spunk back. I want the spunk that my mom had. I want to live life that my mom would want me to, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do that. I do have to say, again, that I am extremely thankful for my family and two other people (CL and RW) who have been there for me to talk about this, and try and help me find this spunk again. I am forever grateful and don’t really know how I can repay these two.
I guess until I figure out what to do to find that spunk, I will take life day by day and do whatever I can to add a little more fun to each day until it becomes easier and easier. I also had the first conversation with my dad about this subject. He randomly called the other day. We talked. We cried. I really made me feel better. I have decided I am going to do this more often and talk with my family about what’s happening. It really made me feel better – like I wasn’t alone. **DISCLAIMER** Look for more spunk to come. It is slowly coming back.
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