Beginning Again....Intelligently

Failing in Life...
Sometimes one just has to start over. I came to that point about ten months ago in my life. It wasn't a decision that I was able to choose on my own. It was a decision that was chosen for me. Sometimes, I resent that. Well, actually, I will always resent that. The way things were just kind of....forced upon me. One huge change right after another. Something I was never prepared for. I felt like I had failed. I had failed as a daughter -- why didn't I see the signs and symptoms? Why wasn't I there more for my mom? Why had I spent so much time away? Why had I let other things become more important. I felt as though I had failed as a friend -- was I really always depressed? Was I really not worth your time? Will no one really ever care about me again? I had failed as a good employee -- Did my co-workers really think I was never coming back? Was I falling that far behind that I couldn't do things on the same level as before? Mainly, I felt I had failed as a person. I had found myself without the most important person in my life, I was homeless, and it seemed as though most of the people in my life were looking the other way. I was a failure.

Quote of the Day
Today as I was reading through something, I came across a quote that really spoke to me: "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." ~ Henry Ford. It seems as if this is true. I began again. I started over and have been taking the time to think about things and what things really mean. I can never take back some of the things that I regret -- that I feel as though I failed at ten months ago. However, I can look at these things and be more intelligent about them in the future. I can make sure to spend more time with the people that I care about. I can feel confident in myself that it was okay to be depressed after going through such a life changing event. I can know that there will be others who will care about me and love me eventually. That I am worth something to someone. 

Beginning Again...Intelligently
The past several months has been a great new start for me. I am living life. I am seeing the color. I am loving myself and giving time to those I care the most about. I have begun again, and this time, I am doing it intelligently. I am doing things I know my mom would. The other day, I stopped on the shoulder of the freeway and took a picture of the freezing fog. My mom would have been amazed by the beauty, even though it was so simple. I decided to stop and enjoy the moment as though my mom would. My biggest aspiration in life is to live a life as fulfilling as my moms was. I remember back to when she passed away. I remember seeing the church filled with people whose lives were touched by my mother. I remember all of the comments and hugs from people who were sad to see such a colorful, vibrant woman leave their lives. I remember the honor of the police department, EMTs, and fire department leading our way out to where we honor my mother's memory. My mom lived life intelligently, and I know from all of the stories she shared with me that she began again. And again. And again. And again. Each time, beginning again was more intelligently done.

Thankful Beyond Words...
I am so thankful for all these little lessons my mom has taught me. It seems like she is continuing to teach me, even though she is not her in physically. I've learned more about my life and living life in the past ten months than I ever have.