Okay, okay. I know I've already posted today, but I've had something on my mind lately that has almost completely consumed me at times. It's something that scares me, and something that I know I should take seriously, but I don't want to think about it.
"You'll Make a Good Mom Someday"
I was sitting with mom in her hospital room. Everyone else had already left for the day, but I wanted someone to be there with her until her chemo was done. It was the first time she had ever had chemo. It was only one day after we were told of her diagnosis. I was scared. I don't know how she stayed so calm. We talked about so much that day, watched her favorite TV shows, and got comments from the nurses that they had never heard so much laughter coming from a cancer patients room before. That was my mom though. Always making everyone laugh and making the best of every situation.
Every time that nurse came into the room, I watched her intently. I watched the times. Was she doing the testing they were suppose to be? Mom didn't seem to mind the constant needles, the constant pokes, the constant testing. Mom kept talking about so many things. She kept talking about what she was proud of with me, what she could see in the future for me. One thing that she said that will always stay with me was "You will make such a good mom some day." The look she had on her face I will never forget. It was a look of excitement, but also a look of sadness, like she wouldn't be there to see it. I asked her why she thought that. Mom said, "You are so great with people. You are always prepared for every situation. You will make such a good mom someday."She says this as I'm eating a snack I had packed in my bag, laying under the blanket I had brought with knowing I would be sitting with mom for a long time, and plugging my phone into the way with the charger I remembered to bring.
Mom and I talked about a lot of things that day. Things that I will never ever forget.
"You Better Use 'Em Then Lose 'Em..."
What some of you may or may not know, I've had several years of bad health. With my reproductive organs. My mom had a diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer. I had already had three surgeries before mom was diagnosed to remove stuff that wasn't suppose to be there. After mom got sick and passed away, I went back into the doctor. I had to be serious about this, as much as I didn't want to think about it. Since mom had Ovarian Cancer, my risk is three times higher than that of an average woman.
I went into the appointment dreading it. That wasn't out of the ordinary. Who the heck likes going to the gynecologist anyways? Well, this appointment was worse than most I remember. We discussed the symptoms I was currently experiencing (bloating, pelvic pain, difficulty eating/feeling full quickly, urinary issues, fatigue, back pain, indigestion, etc). Well...after mom had her diagnosis, I did research. I had no idea about this disease. Well, guess what? Those are all symptoms of Ovarian Cancer. The doctor suggested surgery and then said, "You're 27 years old. Your best bet is to just use 'em then lose 'em." What?!? I'm only 27 years old...what if I wasn't ready to "use 'em" as he so casually put it.
Well, I had the surgery. No cancer. My symptoms were gone. Or so I thought. Now, only 3 months later, my symptoms are back. Worse then before I had the surgery in October. It's scary. It seems as I've continued to get older the symptoms have just continued to get worse. It's to the point where I'm changing my every day routine. I'm avoiding activities I really enjoy. But I'm afraid to go to the doctor. I'm afraid.
Now, on top of these symptoms I've experienced before, I've had other symptoms and bouts with illness like I've never experienced before. Is it my heart? My liver? The don't know. I guess I need to do more tests to figure this one out...But I don't want to. I'm scared. My mom would usually be the one to talk sense into me and talk me into going. She would even go with me. I hate going to the doctor myself.
To Baby Or Not To Baby?
So, now faced with another round of scary symptoms and illnesses, my doctors words ring through my ears daily, "Use 'em then lose 'em." What kind of a decision is that for a 27 year old to make? Not one I want to make. My mom always told me things would work out the way they were suppose to. So, what do I do? I don't know what to do here. All I know is its scary. Very scary. However, these symptoms are back, and they are back with vengeance. And it makes me think about what I should do. I don't want to live my life in pain, or in constant fear about what this symptom or that symptom means. But, do I want to "lose 'em" and lose a huge dream I've had for myself for as long as I can remember? I don't know.
I finally broke down and made some medical appointments today. They all scare me. One of them involves a very long needed being poked into my ribcage. Anyone want to take that one for me? Hopefully, these appointments will show there is nothing serious wrong and things can be easily fixed, however, the question will always remain, when is the right time to use 'em, and when should I lose 'em.
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