Between Me and God - Making the Best of Things

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

As I was searching the internet today to try and find something inspirational, I found this. They call it “The Final Analysis” and it is a Mother Theresa Prayer. I have always found her words to be very inspiring to me, but this prayer caught my attention and really spoke to me about so much happening in my life in the past several days, several months.

Forgiveness

Anger has been a big part of my life in the past 11 months. This is not how I usually live my life, but I felt I had so much to be angry about. I was angry that the doctors hadn’t caught my mother’s illness sooner. I was angry that the doctors couldn’t do more for her. I was angry that they “let her go”. I was angry that there were so many people in my life that claimed to be a “friend” and reminded me they would be there for me, weren’t. They told me I shouldn’t be grieving as I was. My mom wouldn’t want me to. I was angry that they were telling me how to grieve for such a large loss in my life. In the recent past, I have been lied to. Blatantly. It makes me angry to know that I am being lied to and being disrespected in such a manner.

In the recent past, I’ve had so much anger. I do not want to live my life filled with anger. I’ve decided I am going to forgive. I may not forget. I won’t let myself forget. This anger has taught me many lessons. I will listen to my body and be persistent when I feel something is not right. I will advocate for others when they feel something may not be right. I will fight to find a cure. I will forgive those who did not have the strength to be there for me when I lost all of my strength and be for them should the need arise. I will always make sure that I am a good friend and am there when needed. Above all, I will try and listen to those who have lied and understand why they thought such a large untruth was necessary. Perhaps there is room for growth for me personally. Perhaps there is something to learn about myself. I will forgive.

A Lesson in Kindness

                I’ve always tried to be kind to others. Kindness is something that can make someone’s day turn around with very little effort. Something that can seem so small and insignificant can truly make the difference in someone’s day, in someone’s life. I have tried in the past to help out when it is necessary and go above and beyond in other situations. It seems as though, in recent times most specifically, this may end up being an issue.

                Even though this is true, even though it may end up causing issues, I still need to be kind. I know that there have been days when someone has done something that seems so small and insignificant has really made such a huge positive effect. I do not want to take this out of my life. I want to continue “paying it forward” and giving those small random acts of kindness when I can, because I do not know when there will come a day that I need that small, seemingly insignificant act of kindness from someone else. I may not be getting the kindness from those involved in this situation right now, but there are so many others out there with kind hearts, and for that, I am extremely thankful.

Finding Enemies in Friends

                It seems as though it is very easy to find an enemy in someone you once considered a friend. No one wants to think this is true. I don’t want to think something like this is possible, but it is. It is very possible. These people who were once friends can actually turn into one of the most harmful enemies. They know you best. They know exactly what buttons to push to get the reaction. They know exactly how to go about doing what they are going to do to make you feel poorly about yourself. This is the situation I currently find myself in. I have spent time with these people having fun, doing fun things. I have accepted favors and offered favors in return from these people, as friends do. Now, the most painful thing has happened. They are using this intimate knowledge about me and my life to hurt me in the ways they know will hurt me most.

                I cannot see this as a failure. This has always happened, and I know that it will likely always continue. I cannot let this deter me from putting myself out there. I need to continue to be me and continue do what I need to do in order to live the life that I want to live. I cannot worry about the “frienemies” that will always be out there. There’s nothing that I can do about this. This is life. This is just what happens. It sure hurts like heck right now, but with time that hurt will go away and I will come out of this situation stronger than I was before.

To Lie or Not to Lie

                I have learned in life one of the most important things is honesty. Even the smallest little “white lie” can turn into something huge that can really hurt someone, or hurt many. I have learned to be honest with people. I have learned to open up when appropriate and share information with people that they need to know. So, what does one do when asked to lie? There are two answers: you lie or you tell the truth. In these past weeks filled with turmoil and upset, my belief in honesty was renewed. Someone was honest with me. Someone told me the truth even though it may have hurt me. That person will never fully understand how much this means to me. Each day when I wake up, the first thought that enters my head is frustration about all of the things that are going on. Then, I remember, that just because there is so much negativity and bad things, that there are still wonderful people in my life. I remember that there are people who will do things to help me and who will be there for me, even when it could have consequences for them. Like I said, this means more to me than I will ever be able to verbalize to this person. I hope someday I can repay this person for this honesty.

Continuing to Create

                It has become blatantly clear to me that things can change in a heartbeat. The world can change with no notice. This year has brought more heartache than I ever thought was possible. Things I have worked for 27 years to create have been reduced to nothing in just the blink of an eye, in simple words I never prepared myself to hear “She’s gone”. Throughout these past years, I’ve been so focused on creating; on working hard to create what I thought I needed to create. Then, when it was taken away, I lost my motivation. I didn’t want to create anymore. What was the use anyways? It seemed like this was a theme throughout my entire life. I worked hard to create a good relationship. It was reduced to nothing within seconds. With no emotion and simple words “I don’t think we should be together anymore.” I worked hard to create trusting relationships with people, only to find out that they were not what they appeared to be.

                It would be easy to give up and stop creating. I cannot do that. The world needs creative people. The world needs people to continuing creating. Besides, what is life without creativity? It’s not one that I want to live. Even though it is hard knowing that things that one has worked so hard for, for so long can crumble without warning it is worth it. The ride is worth it. The art one creates on the way IS worth it. I’m going to continue to create. Continue to live. Continue to be me.

Finding Happiness

                Happiness is challenging to find. When you think you’ve found it, it disappears. Sometimes it seems like it’s a paranormal thing. Something that you think exists but you cannot confirm. Just when you think you’ve found evidence it does it exist, you turn around for your camera to document it, and it’s gone. What is happiness, really? Why does it seem as though when one person seems to have found it, others cannot experience happiness for them? Or why does it seem as though people will take this time to try and create issues to remove the happiness? Is happiness something that is found, something that is created, or something that you have to work for? I cannot seem to find the answer to this.

                What I do know is that I have happiness in my life right now, if I let it be there. There are people in my life that make me feel happy: if I let the happiness overcome the frustration and the anger. It is easy to just let the anger take over. It has been easier and easier lately to let the happiness be present more than the anger and frustration. There are some pretty darn good people in my life that make this happiness easier and easier to find on a daily basis. It’s easier and easier to spend my days happy rather than caught up in negativity. I have resolved that even though others may true and knock me down, I will never stop laughing. I will never stop enjoying life. I will never stop seeking happy moments. If I am lucky, God will bless many with many happy moments and these happy moments will make the sad moments sting that much less.

Giving Without Receiving

These days it seems as though people are so focused on what we are getting, not what we are giving. Even I do it from time to time. Something made me stop and think about this the other day. I need to get back on track and start giving again. The past several years I have gotten off track. Throughout the years past, I have volunteered for many organizations and in many situations. In the past several years, I haven’t been as involved. I have been more in the “for me” phase. I have decided in the past couple of days I am going to get back involved again with volunteering more. There are so many places and causes that need assistance. I want to be a part of them. I want to give what I can. Someday, I may need someone’s assistance, and I hope that there are people who will be willing to give without receiving.

It’s Never Going to be Good Enough

                As you have probably gathered through the past several weeks, days, hours I have felt as though no matter how hard I try, it’s not going to be good enough. I have felt inadequate as a daughter. I did not see that my mom was terminally ill. I have felt inadequate as the recipient of love. I was not good enough for them. I did not do enough for them. I do not deserve to be in a happy relationship. I have worked hard at being a friend. I was told I was not there enough. I was not a good enough friend. It seemed as though no matter how hard I tried, it would not be good enough. I would not be good enough.

                In some regards this is true. It is never going to be good enough. There is always room for improvement, however, I am not an inadequate daughter, I do deserve love, and I do deserve to have good friends. I need to take lessons away from these feelings of inadequacy and learn from them. Take these lessons and improve life for me and others in my life. I have been lucky enough to have great people in my life recently. This makes me happy and gives me hope. It gives me hope that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be filled with happiness.

The Final Analysis

                I guess I’ve realized things are what I make them. I cannot control the actions of others. I can only control my response and my reactions. I can let all of these things consume my life. I can be overcome with negativity, frustration, anger, and just give up or I can live. I can learn. I can laugh about the ridiculous people who think it is necessary to lie or be deceitful. I can smile when I learn a lesson from a difficult situation. I can live life. I want to live life. I want to be happy and give happiness to the people around me, to those who are the most important to me. As Mother Theresa states, it is between me and God.