The Cracks

I’ve had the feeling again. It’s the worst feeling I can imagine; it is one I would not wish on anyone – the feeling of my heart breaking. It’s nothing more than the feeling that something is not going to end up the way you hoped it would. It could be finding out the person you were hoping shared the same feelings as you doesn’t; losing someone you hold dear; or something as simple as realizing things just didn’t go as you planned.

I can feel a small crack. It hurts, and to be honest, I don’t really know what I should do about it.

Now, these are the days that I am reminded of the much bigger break in my heart, the one that will always be there and can never be fixed. If that break wasn’t there, my mom could tell me how to fix this crack, but I have to be independent and strong and figure out this crack on my own. I’ve found this isn’t always easy.

Throughout my life, I’ve kind of taken on the role of care-giver. I tend to think that I need to take care of myself and figure things out on my own. I have a really hard time reaching out when these cracks start to form. I wish this was not true about me, but it is (I think this was an inherited trait). Lately, I can feel a couple of cracks, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to say anything. I think things would just be a heck of a lot easier if I did. I think I would be much happier if I did. I just don’t know how.

Now, here is where the issue becomes an issue: how do you reteach a 20-something woman how to ask for help and express her feelings more? How do you teach her how to do more for herself when she spends most of her free time doing for others? What’s the right way to tell others you can’t do it all anymore? I cannot seem to find the answers to these questions, but instead, find myself saying yes to doing more for others.

After several years of turmoil, several years of doubt, and several years of uncertainty, I’m starting to find more of my answers within myself and my faith. Some days it is hard to think about the “good plan” there is from all of this, but more and more each day, I do think there is a “Good Plan” and I just have to trust in this; trust in Him. My mother always told me, “We don’t get anything that we can’t handle.” As much as I don’t really want to, I have started to feel that this is true. I need to go through these things and feel these cracks in order for the plan for me to work out.

In the meantime, I’ve starting working on a couple of things just for me: things that are exciting to me and things that make me happy. I’ve starting working on remembering that even though I may be experiencing these cracks, there are people out there right now that are experiencing breaks. I need to be thankful for all that I have in life, and remember:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

~Isaiah 41:10