A Little Piece of Happiness...

Two years ago, today was a day that marked un-remarkable hope for me after several days of terrifying fear. It was a day that gave me hope. A day that made me feel like there was a chance. The first day in several, I got down on my knees and I thanked God. It was a day that I felt like my heart wasn’t broken into a million pieces, and I wasn’t in a state of constant anxiety, worry. Two years ago today, my mother told me some of the most beautiful things that I will always hold dear to my heart. Some of these things are things that kick my butt up out of bed when I’m feeling kind of down.

Today, two years later, I have experienced events that will forever change my life – things that I wasn’t expecting to happen on this day two years ago. Although, this time of year is always very hard for me, I remembered what today was like two years ago, and it made me smile. It made me find the positives, when sometimes this is very hard for me to do when thinking about this subject.

The thing that I find the easiest to remember and find happiness in was the conversation my mom and I had on this day two years ago. This was the day she was being discharged after having her first round of chemo. The doctor told us he was optimistic, that mom had really handled it all well, and he could see the treatment helping. We sat together in the waiting area of the hospital. Mom and I chatted casually at first – about the weather, about my birthday, and about how she couldn’t wait to have a cigarette. I, of course, gave mom a lecture about quitting smoking – after all the doctor had just diagnosed her with Stage IV cancer, told her he was optimistic about her treatment, and she was going to go smoke a “cancer stick” to celebrate? Mom gave me a smart ass remark back – typical. Then she looked me right in the eye and said, “It doesn’t matter. I’ve lived the fullest life I could have asked for. Your dad and you kids – that’s all anyone could ever need. I’ve lived a full life.” It felt good to hear mom say she was happy, but I of course told her that there are going to be many more happy times ahead for her to look forward to. Mom continued on to tell me how proud she was of me, and all that I had done. Then, she asked me to be there for the family – especially my dad. She said he was going to need me. It meant a lot to me in that moment that my mom had that much faith in me, but again, I just told her that we would all be there for each other.

The days following are not filled with as many opportunities to find happiness and fond memories, so I really hold on to this one tight. It means so much to me, and on days when I feel like things are getting to be too much, I remember this conversation. I can feel some of my strength finding its way back to me.

My mother was such a beautiful, amazing person. It never fails: I can look at a picture of her and remember the crazy things she was doing or saying. I can see something of hers and remember the fun times we had. This is my piece of happiness today: remembering these beautiful words my mom had to say to me, and knowing that she felt happy almost all of the days of her life.

Truth, Tears, and Turning a New Page

It’s been a rough month; but a month that has taught me a lot about myself, and those I choose to surround myself with. I’ve always felt as though I was a good judge of character – it appears this may not be the absolute truth.

A few years ago, I had a revelation of sorts: there just weren’t very many people that I needed to have in my life. It was a hard, sad revelation. Here are these people that I spend the majority of my free time with, and it just didn’t matter that much to me anymore that I had to miss the weekly outing and found myself hitting the ignore button on their calls. My values, hopes, and priorities had all changed – quickly. I thought I had utilized all of these new values and priorities, but it appears some have slipped through the cracks.

I like to think I am a good friend, a good person. I like to think that I try to do as much for others as I can. The hardest thing in the world is not having that reciprocated when needed. A crack in the heart starts to form. My level of trust decreases. My walls start to go up. I start to depend more on myself. The tears come a little more frequently.

After going through this same sort of issues twice now in the past couple of years, it has really started to get me to think…what am I doing? I’m doing all of the same things I was two years ago. No wonder the same thing is happening. I need to make a change; a serious change.

I’ve decided what this change will be and it will be a hard one to make, but I think it will be the best for me in the long run. Now, I just have to have faith that things will work out, and that things will start to turn around, and I do. I do have this faith and I believe in myself.

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”

~Isaiah 40:31

The Cracks

I’ve had the feeling again. It’s the worst feeling I can imagine; it is one I would not wish on anyone – the feeling of my heart breaking. It’s nothing more than the feeling that something is not going to end up the way you hoped it would. It could be finding out the person you were hoping shared the same feelings as you doesn’t; losing someone you hold dear; or something as simple as realizing things just didn’t go as you planned.

I can feel a small crack. It hurts, and to be honest, I don’t really know what I should do about it.

Now, these are the days that I am reminded of the much bigger break in my heart, the one that will always be there and can never be fixed. If that break wasn’t there, my mom could tell me how to fix this crack, but I have to be independent and strong and figure out this crack on my own. I’ve found this isn’t always easy.

Throughout my life, I’ve kind of taken on the role of care-giver. I tend to think that I need to take care of myself and figure things out on my own. I have a really hard time reaching out when these cracks start to form. I wish this was not true about me, but it is (I think this was an inherited trait). Lately, I can feel a couple of cracks, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to say anything. I think things would just be a heck of a lot easier if I did. I think I would be much happier if I did. I just don’t know how.

Now, here is where the issue becomes an issue: how do you reteach a 20-something woman how to ask for help and express her feelings more? How do you teach her how to do more for herself when she spends most of her free time doing for others? What’s the right way to tell others you can’t do it all anymore? I cannot seem to find the answers to these questions, but instead, find myself saying yes to doing more for others.

After several years of turmoil, several years of doubt, and several years of uncertainty, I’m starting to find more of my answers within myself and my faith. Some days it is hard to think about the “good plan” there is from all of this, but more and more each day, I do think there is a “Good Plan” and I just have to trust in this; trust in Him. My mother always told me, “We don’t get anything that we can’t handle.” As much as I don’t really want to, I have started to feel that this is true. I need to go through these things and feel these cracks in order for the plan for me to work out.

In the meantime, I’ve starting working on a couple of things just for me: things that are exciting to me and things that make me happy. I’ve starting working on remembering that even though I may be experiencing these cracks, there are people out there right now that are experiencing breaks. I need to be thankful for all that I have in life, and remember:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

~Isaiah 41:10

The Great Realization

Throughout the past several weeks, I have found myself thinking – a lot. I have found myself wondering where the happiness had gone; how I had lost the fight; and where had my spunk gone again? I know that this is a rough time of year. It has been for two years – but it just seems like this year is a little worse for me…and all involved. I try to be there as much as possible, but find myself sad, disappointed, and even angry at times.

The Great Realization

After speaking with a good friend today, I realized something. I’ve put my life on hold. I’ve stopped doing some of the things that I love, and that just is not cool. Then I thought about something that I hadn’t thought about in two years – my bucket list: the great list of all of the things that I want to be able to enjoy and do in my lifetime. I’m quite sure that my bucket list isn’t anything near as spectacular as it should be – but I am a pretty simple woman. Simple things make me the happiest. Simple things like: taking the day to go for a drive to find an old-fashioned ice cream shop to be able to smell fresh waffle cones being made; spending the day down town Minneapolis with my camera in hand and picnic basket to sit on a bus stop bench to eat lunch and watch people go along on their days; or even just packing a blanket and finding that perfect spot to lay up and watch the sky roll by in all of its magnificence. This is part of my bucket list – my forgotten bucket list.

So, if my bucket list is so simple, why have I forgotten about it, you may ask? Let me tell you my theory.

The Theory: I have just gotten too gosh darn caught up in the negative parts of each day.

That is a sad realization. I should know better – I should know that someone somewhere is going through something much harder than I. Although life isn’t the same for me anymore (nor will it ever be), I am still pretty darn lucky – luckier than most. I need to remember this. So what am I going to do about this? I decided to embark on a Great Journey – The Great Happiness Journey. My goal, I think it’s a good one, is to find something happy, something positive about each day and pass this happiness on to someone else. I know that there have been several times that someone has said or done something that has had a tremendous impact on me. I want to give it a try. Even if it doesn’t change someone’s life, I think it will make my life just a little happier and a little less negative.

One of the things that I have also started to do to try and find some of the happiness that seems to be hiding is turning back to my faith and finding answers there. Today, I thought I would share this with you:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

I need to take charge of my own happiness. I need to ask for it, seek it, and find it…

Making it Work

There are so many obstacles in life. Throughout the last 28 years, I have thought about all of the obstacles that I have faced. They are nothing compared to what so many in this world face. I was reminded of this, thinking about the life of a great woman – my aunt, Jill Bergquist.

28 years ago, the same year I was born, my aunt faced a huge obstacle. She overcame it. She survived, she flourished, and smiled. She reminded me every day for the last 28 years what it is like to be a fighter; to love life; to never give up. Even though life was not easy, she kept going. She never stopped smiling. She inspired me. She will keep inspiring me every day of my life.

Today, as the frustration set in and I felt the issues building, I was ready to say forget it; I’m done. Just as this frustration seemed to be peaking, I received a reminder about life that put things back into perspective. I thought about my aunt and all of the times in my childhood I could remember her saying she had a headache, only to smile and laugh and continue to play with me. I remember her walking with her cane, but being able to work through it all and do it all herself. I remember that all is possible. Life is possible as long as we are willing to make it work. I’m going to make it work.

On Tuesday, August 9^th, 2011 God called home a beautiful angel. There to meet her was another beautiful angel. Missing them both every day.

The Most Unorganized Blog Ever...

Silence. After another crazy day in my shoes, there is finally silence. I can finally hear by own heartbeat, I can hear the quiet hum of the cars flying by on the freeway just a little ways away, I can hear the distant laughter of someone walking along the parkway, I can find my center again. Silence. Ahhh. So nice….

It’s amazing the little things one can pick up on after a “loud,” busy day ends. I live smack in the middle of the concrete jungle…I don’t know how this is possible, but I can hear crickets chirping outside. What? I know, that's just plain crazy. Right? But they are there; I can hear them. I can hear the leaves rustling in the wind. How is it possible to hear such a quiet thing when there are cars driving 80 miles an hour down the freeway just feet away? How is it that these little sounds can find their way into my silence? I shouldn’t be able to hear them, but I can.  These little hidden treasures bring back such beautiful memories of childhood. As much as I’ve said I disliked living where I did – being so far away from a shopping mall – these little things that were such a huge part of my being are so irreplaceable and just so beautiful. Growing up where I did, I never had to have a “loud” day to be able to hear these things – they were just always there. You could always hear them. A beautiful, quiet soundtrack to life; there were no loud days. There was nothing blocking the beautiful silence from finding its way to me.

Sometimes I wonder why I am where I am. Some days I love the hustle and bustle. Some days I miss the smell of fresh cut hay swirling around me in the breeze and wish I was anywhere but here, but I am a firm believer in the fact that I am where I am because that’s where I am supposed to be. God wouldn’t put me somewhere that I wasn’t supposed to be. Would He? Sometimes I miss that quiet soundtrack to life and question what I am doing, where I am going. I realize that no one really knows 100% what their purpose in life is. I don’t think, anyways, but it’s just been a lot harder for me the past year to be confident in what I am doing. There’s been too much tragedy, too many close calls, too many heartbreaks. I’m not as quick to put it all out there and “let it roll” as I was before – as I want to do again. To be honest, I’m afraid if I do this I will miss out on things. I feel like I have already missed out on things. Things I can never get back; things I wish I could get back.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for going out and pursuing the beautiful things in life instead of going home every weekend to spend time with my mom, with my grandparents. I feel guilty for enjoying that day when mom was undergoing her test. I feel guilty for being so selfish and not wanting to accept the truth that I didn’t do what I should have done or said what I should have said. I feel really guilty.

Guilt is such an ugly emotion. It makes me feel dark and cold. I don’t like that. I like to feel bright and sunny. Why do I feel so damn guilty? I should trust in the fact that my mom is where she is supposed to be. God has made sure she is in the right place, even if I can’t understand that the right place isn’t here. I need to let the ugliness go, accept this reality, and find the beauty – let the silence back into my life. I know it’s what my mom would tell me to do.

Quite an Amazing Hello

“It takes just a couple of seconds to say hello, but forever to say goodbye” ~ Unknown

I met someone today. She was very extremely upbeat, nice, and in some way reminded me a lot of my mom. It was a random encounter, one that I didn’t see coming. We chatted for a few minutes and she reminded me of something really important. Something I think I may have momentarily forgot; something I am extremely thankful I was reminded of. The chances that I will ever see this person again are very rare, but this chance encounter will be a part of my journey; a part of who I am for the rest of my life.

When I got home today, I randomly came across this quote. Isn’t it true? Just like this woman I ran into today, so many people come into our lives each and every day. How easy is it to say hello, and welcome someone into our lives in one way or another. Perhaps the hello is to a new friend; someone who will be in your life for a very long time. Perhaps it will just be a brief encounter that will have lasting effects in your life. Maybe it’s neither. Maybe it is a passing hello that will have no effect on you, but will have effects that last forever on the other person.

No matter which way it works out, we say hello to so many people in our lifetime, and it is so easy. It’s easy to welcome new people into our lives. How hard is it, though, to say goodbye? Even when we know the time is right? Even when it’s been a year? Or two? Or ten? Can you ever really say goodbye? I am beginning to question this.

Throughout the last year, I’ve tried on multiple occasions in multiple situations, to say goodbye. No matter what the situation was or with whom I am trying to say goodbye to, that impression – or the hello – is always there. It never goes away. Even when you know the goodbye is for the best, or inevitable, or needed. Maybe this is for the better? As much as we would like to say goodbye to some people or some situations, perhaps its better we not. Looking back, there are things that I have learned from each and every hello. Things have built my life, built who I am. Would I want to change that? I don’t think so. As many mistakes and bad decisions I’ve made in my life – as many regrets that I have – I don’t think I would want to go back and erase those hellos.

The simple words of this woman today made quite an impression on my life, and perhaps this woman will never even know this. I think it is important to remember how important all of the hellos in our life are, and to take the time to slow down and welcome them. I could have been in a hurry and rushed right by. I’m glad I took the moment I did to slow down. I’m glad for the hello I received today.